Good Stuff in 2012

I've been neglecting the blog again. But, as my good friend Beckie put it, I've been busy making 2012 my bitch. :)

I've been working out more, and doing a relatively good job at sticking to my diet. Which is really just about cutting out refined carbs like bread and pasta, etc.

My room is clean and relatively organized. I've been making the bed and trying my best to keep myself organized. I bought a new little calendar planner thing and I'm actually using it.I've been doing my best to keep a positive attitude about life and let the bad stuff go.

So far it's been going well. I've been in a really awesome mood since I've made a conscious effort to keep myself healthy, happy, and organized.

Things like this help too. On my dad's birthday, we all went back to the house and took the babies sled riding.

So it's been good stuff so far this year, and I have every intention of keeping it that way.

Oh yeah. I've also taken up crocheting. I'm working on a scarf, currently. It's made out of this gorgeous, heather gray yarn that's soft and chunky and perfect for a scarf. I'll post more about it and pictures later. Off to finish prepping my meals/snacks for the week and get ready for work. Yay, 2012!!

Traditional New Year's Post (plus some catching up!)

It's been awhile, to say the very least. I won't make excuses for my lack of posts, however, I was incredibly busy. We'll get to that in the catch up section. I really just did not feel like blogging. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. But I'm back now, and I think I'll have a lot more to discuss this year.

So where to start... well, my last post was shortly before my birthday. The weekend after that post, my family threw my brother and I a surprise birthday party at my parents' house. It was awesome. I had no idea, they put it all together for after Jake's first birthday. Mandy, Brian, and Kapeka did all the set up while the rest of us were still at the church. And Andrew and I were both really surprised.

I have to say, that was the best birthday I've ever had. It was just Andrew, me, George, Kris, Jess, Mandy, Brian, and Kapeka and we all hung out in the basement. Mandy and Brian brought some of their equipment and basically turned my parents' basement into a club. I have to say, my family parties better than most of my friends! And it was totally perfect. I had all the people I wanted there to help me celebrate.

Self timer photo. Not the greatest, but we managed to get everyone in it.

The rest of that week is honestly kind of a blur. I went out with different friends several times that week for my birthday, plus Thanksgiving. It was an excellent birthday week though, that's for sure. After that I was just bogged down with school. It was the end of my last semester of college, and I had a lot going on. Especially with that and work and holiday preparations. But I managed to get through all of it and graduate.

Because some of my siblings are just buttheads sometimes. I love them anyway.

So I graduated and all that good stuff. Christmas was awesome. I actually stayed at my parents' house Christmas Eve. This was the first year I haven't lived there, and it just felt weird. Plus, not that I don't love Sarah and everything, but she had her own Christmas plans with Randy and her family, and I didn't really want to be waking up alone on Christmas. And I wanted to watch the babies open their gifts. :)

The week between Christmas and New Year's was basically spent at work, to be honest. And then on top of that, I got sick two days before NYE. I had already spent money on a ticket to an event in Pittsburgh with a couple of friends, so I went even though I was sick and semi-miserable. I had a good time, but I would have had a better time if I hadn't been sick. As a matter of fact, here it is a couple of days later and I'm still sick (which is why I can't sleep). I have no voice, and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest when I try to breathe. I cough a lot. You know, the usual for me when I get sick. Monday was my only day off this week and I had a lot I wanted to do, but I woke up feeling so terrible that I had to just have a sick day and relax. I did nothing but sleep and lay on the couch and watch random TV with Sarah. I really needed it. Besides, it was a snowy, crappy day out anyway. It's not like I missed much. We even ordered pizza so that neither of us had to cook or anything, haha.

And now to the New Year's part of this business.

Resolution time.

1. Let go of the past.

There are people in my life that do not need to be there. They are people who don't necessarily mean me harm, but they do damage to me emotionally that I don't need. They are people who I have had good relationships with in the past that fell apart and I have just been reluctant to let go. So I'm letting go. The people who can't/won't care about me and love me for me are gone. I can't waste my energy and my love on them anymore because there are people who are much more deserving.

2. Lose 50 pounds.

50 is a big number. But it's also necessary. Especially in the last couple of months, I've gained more weight. I'm not happy with myself. I hate the way my clothes fit, I hate the way I look. It is taking a serious toll on my self esteem. I don't want to be so unhappy with myself anymore. And I know that I'm never going to be a size 2, or even a 4 probably. I'm not built that way. I'm built to be curvy, and that's fine. I like that. But I know that I'm overweight and unhealthy. So that needs to change. My eating habits aren't bad, it's mostly my lack of exercise. So I'm going to go back to the YMCA and start forcing myself to go. I don't have the "too busy" excuse anymore because I'm no longer in school. If everyone else with a full time job can manage to go to the gym, so can I.

3. Find a "big girl" job.

Maybe that isn't the correct term, but I don't care. I graduated. I don't want all my work to go to waste. So its time to go on a job hunt. I gave myself until after the holidays to enjoy my freedom and bask in the success and all. Now it's time to get down to business. I want a stable job with a good salary. Benefits. I want to be able to save money for a down payment on a new car or a house or whatever the hell else I feel like saving for. I want a place of my own. Not that I don't love Sarah or anything, but I want my own little apartment or house or whatever. And finding a better job is the first step to that. I have a good, polished draft of my resume that can be tailored to different positions, as well as a cover letter that I can do the same with. It's just a matter of getting myself out there.

4. Be more organized.

This isn't just about keeping my room clean or keeping things in a place where I can remember, etc. This is about in general. I want to have a more regimented schedule. I think that will be key to me sticking to the gym. I want to sleep and night and be awake during the day instead of sleeping until early afternoon and being awake until 5 AM. I want to have a set schedule at work so that I can plan my days and know what I need to accomplish in a particular time frame, etc. The clean room and organization of belongings falls in there too, believe me. But there's the rest of it too.

So there we go. My resolutions for the year. There are other small things in there too, I'm sure. But these are the big ones. I've been unhappy with myself, especially the last few months. This is the chance for a clean slate and a chance to be the person I know that I can be proud of.

Disgusted.

I don't really know what to title this yet. I'm so disgusted and disappointed in the world today.

The back story here is this: I met a guy the other day and we hit it off pretty quick. We exchanged numbers and kept talking. I met him for a drink last night after I got done working. It was the first time we went "out" for lack of a better term. Not a date, just meeting up to talk and get to know each other better.

At least that's what I thought.

Everything was going well until we decided to call it a night. Or at least I did. I was ready to go home, but he apparently had other plans. He invited me to his house, and I declined. I'm not stupid, I pretty much figured out at that point that he was only after one thing. More than just asking me over, he made it blatantly clear what he wanted. And that genuinely pissed me off.

I mean, call me old fashioned or whatever, but what happened to getting to know someone? What happened to meaningful relationships that aren't just about sex? I am so utterly pissed off and disgusted because he sat there and talked to me about books and TV and different things and at the end of the day none of it mattered. He just wanted to get in my pants.

Which clearly did not happen, nor is it going to. Dude lost his chance before he even had one, at least on my end. I hadn't thought any further into things than the fact that he seemed nice, fun, and attractive.

So that's over before it even really got started. And I know I need to shrug it off and chalk it up to an idiotic asshole who doesn't know what he just lost a chance at. But I'm so disgusted over this. Ugh. Someone please restore my faith in humanity?

This ain't no love song, I just felt like gettin' my guitar on and singin' a tune...

I ought to be sleeping. Or trying to. But I can't, because it's 4am and that's just how my habits are these days. All I can say is thank goodness I've been scheduled primarily nights lately. I don't function well before noon. Not that I ever really have, but that's beside the point.

I feel like all I've done for the last two months is work, go to school, and sleep. Sure, I hang out with Josh and Derrick sometimes. But that's about all. Lately, I don't even feel like doing that. Monday is wing night at the Backdoor, and we always go. I don't know if I feel like it this week, honestly. I'm just in a mood right now where I don't feel like being social. I don't go out of my way to talk to anyone, really. I've barely bothered to text anyone the last week or so. Normally, I enjoy having text message conversations with people on a regular basis. But lately, I've just not felt like putting forth the effort.

I don't think I'm depressed or anything. I hope not, anyway. I'm just kind of blah. The whole summer and into the beginning of fall, I had so much drama and stress with the people in my life, I'm enjoying the lack of it now. I was emotionally exhausted, especially after all the back and forth with Joe and other Primanti drama. So for now, I've chosen to concentrate on work and school and let all the crap fall to the wayside.

I know my friends understand. I get like this sometimes, where I just don't want to go out and be social. Like I said, I'm emotionally exhausted.

I've even gotten to the point where I'm not even looking for a guy to date. Not looking, not hoping... basically I'm hiding from it. Again, emotional exhaustion. And maybe I'm selfish, but I just want to focus on myself right now. Plus, I don't really think I need to try and date someone when I'm still tangled up over someone else. No, the "someone else" is not Andy. I prefer to keep that to myself currently, and probably forever. I was over Andy as soon as we were done. Maybe that makes me cruel or whatever... I prefer the term resilient.

I worked Thursday night, Friday night, tonight, tomorrow night, Tuesday, possibly Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.... I also have class thrown in there a couple of times. To be honest, that's all I have planned for the week, and I'm okay with it. I start bartending on Tuesday, and I'm really excited about it. I enjoy bartending, making drinks and talking to people, etc. Plus, it means that management trusts me enough to promote me to that position.

I'll still serve some too, which is fine with me. I like having the option to do either one, which leaves me more options for open shifts and whatnot. More shifts = More $$ for me.

So I guess for now I'm just keeping my nose to the grindstone until I work myself out of this funk. I really think a couple of weeks of quiet, drama-free time to myself will do me a lot of good.

Life is too damn short.

I can't tell you how many times lately I've opened up a new post only to stare at the blank space. I have so much on my mind right now that I want to talk about and I just haven't been able to.

This sort of just plays into a lot of my worries lately. I came across a page on Facebook through a friend of a friend for a young man that died a few months ago. His baby girl was 2 weeks old when he died. And just seeing some of the posts from the people who lost him really got to me.

Life could end in a second. You can lose the people you love without rhyme or reason, and it scares the hell out of me. There's someone in particular in my life that I desperately want to be closer with and it just seems so impossible... but I'm afraid something is going to happen before I get a chance to make things right with him.

I guess it ties into being afraid that I lost any chance I did have of reconnecting with this person through my own mistakes.

I've always felt that life is too short, don't waste your time being unhappy. Seize happiness wherever you can find it, and don't let go. Today was just a hard day for me emotionally, the last few weeks have been that way really. I think it just hit me hard, seeing that group and having it strike so closely to what I have going on.

I don't even know if this makes any sense. I need to go to bed.

I have absolutely no desire to be awake right now. But my allergies or head cold or whatever I have going on won't let me sleep. I'm praying that it isn't an ear infection, but that's becoming more and more likely. All I can do is take some Advil and hope for the best right now.

The last few weeks have certainly been filled with ups and downs. But things have gotten better, I'm moving in a direction that I think will be good for me. The last two-ish weeks particularly, I've had a lot of time to think and gain perspective on life.

I had 14 hours of thinking time when I randomly decided to go to North Carolina and visit my best friend two weeks ago. I was headed to work on Monday morning and thinking about all of the stress and unnecessary drama in my life. Why make things more complicated than they have to be? That tends to happen to me a lot if I'm not careful. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted a couple of days away from everyone and everything in PA. Given that I didn't have to work again until Thursday night, it seemed like a great idea to take off for a couple of days and go visit my best friend who I've not spent nearly enough time with.

I've also said many times that I was going to go visit her and hadn't. So I went to work, went home, showered and threw some clothes in a bag, and I got on the highway. It only took about 7 hours to do the 450 mile trip. And I truly enjoyed it. The whole experience. Courtney lives right outside of Charlotte, and so while she was at work Tuesday I went and walked around the city and took pictures. The architecture is gorgeous and the city is super pedestrian-friendly. I'm in love with it. Pictures will be posted at the end of this.

So anyway. I've had a lot of time to think and get my brain in order. And ever since last week, I've been walking around with this feeling of contentment. Yeah, there are irritations and problems in life. But I'm happy. I'm getting my degree (in December, HOLY COW!!!!) and working my way towards a "big girl" job. In the meantime, I've got a job that I don't always hate and a pretty awesome place to live and friends and family who love me.

Even though sometimes it is to my detriment, I love my sense of independence. I was talking to my gram yesterday and told her about going to NC, and she told me I had a lot of guts. I was like... why? Haha. Apparently embarking on a solo, spur-of-the-moment road trip 450 miles away and then walking around an unfamiliar city by myself is "gutsy". I'm sure some would say stupid, but I like gutsy better. Haha.

At any rate. I'm genuinely blessed. And like I said, I've got this contentment thing going. For once, my control freak tendencies are nowhere to be found, and I've been able to let go of the things that I can't control. Why worry about things that are out of my hands?

One thing that is in my hands is my own happiness. I'm done letting other people control that. It's my life, I'm going to do things the way I want to do them. And now, I require some coffee and potentially a late breakfast. I'm suddenly struck with the urge to be reasonably productive.

Sweet hanging plant thing. I want one.

Random church that just struck me.

Mosaic mural on the side of a building. Love it.

There are more pictures on Facebook, but these were a few of my favorites.

A whole bunch of random things that you probably didn't know about me.

Can't sleep again. Big surprise there. I figured instead of laying in bed, tossing and turning uselessly and thinking about things that I can't change, I'd use this opportunity to blog and play with Photoshop, as that is my new obsession. Not that I'm very good at it. Who cares? Its fun.

So here are a bunch of random facts that people may or may not know about me, since the rest of the crap floating around in my head right now is not blog material.

1. I am absolutely addicted to Aerie underwear. I probably have 100+ pairs, and I love every one of them.

 2. The downside to number 1 is that I only wear VS bras, so my underwear and bra will never, ever match.

3. I refuse to watch One Tree Hill after season six is over. Why? Because Hilarie Burton left the show and I can no longer stare in envy of her gorgeous hair.

4. I am not as much of a hardass as I pretend to be. Few people know when they genuinely hurt me, and I prefer it that way. That said, if you do hurt me? Look the f*ck out, because I do not take kindly to having my heart broken (or dented, or scratched, for that matter).

5. On that topic, my heart is currently being seriously abused by the one person I never thought would be able to do that to me.

6. I cannot eat ramen noodles if they have been cooked in the microwave. There is just something about microwaving ramen that seriously freaks me out. Stovetop only, please!

7. Random part of my body that I hate? My feet.

8. Random part of my body that I love? My eyes. =]

9. If I could go back in history to any time, just for a few days, I would definitely hit the late 5th century and check out King Arthur and pals. Yeah, I know his historical existence is widely debated and all, but I'm just going to go with it.

10. Now I feel the need to reread Mists of Avalon. For like, the 200th time. I'm only on my third or fourth copy.

11. As we speak, I am experiencing serious Hilarie Burton hair envy.

12. There are not many things that make me shriek like a girl. Bugs, small reptiles, and people jumping out of dark corners are three things that will get me every time. But not mice. I lived on a farm, mmkay? Mice are no biggie.

13. I love, love, love cherry tomatoes. Or fresh-from-the-garden tomatoes in general. But cherries are always a good bet.

14. The single most influential person in my life is my grandmother. She has been the one constant in my life from the day I was born.

15. Currently, my average amount of sleep per night is right around three hours. This from the girl who used to easily get 10 hours a night. Needless to say, Kristin is not a happy girl right now.

16. The last time I went on vacation, I was sixteen. I will turn 25 this year. Is anyone else depressed by the lack of beach in my life?

17. My best friend lives in North Carolina, close enough to the beach for a day trip. I just never seem to have the time off of work/school and the money to go at the same time. It's either one or the other.

18. I'm really, really, REALLY hoping that will change this year and I'll be able to go visit her for a few days.

19. My favorite movie to watch when I'm having boy troubles is High Fidelity.

20. Now that this particular disc of OTH is over, I'm going to switch to High Fidelity.

21. I am not a morning person. I never have been, and I never will be. Given the choice between getting up early and doing laundry and cleaning and working out and whatever else I need to do that day and doing all of those things between the hours of midnight and 4am, I would choose option 2. Unfortunately, life is not conducive to my nocturnal ways.

22. That being said, the current trend of not sleeping has given me a greater appreciation for the hours between 7 and 10am.

23. Don't get excited though. As soon as I can figure out why I'm not sleeping (most likely STRESS) and fix it, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.

24. Did you know that the term DEFCON 5 is actually the lowest level of defense readiness on the scale of 1 to 5? Movies just use that term because it sounds better.

25. You're going to say that's cheating, because it isn't really a random fact about me. It does, however, demonstrate my love for and addiction to Google. I will look up pretty much anything on Google, be it one of life's pressing questions or something ridiculous and random that I wonder about in my downtime. See above.

26. My family is really important to me. Because they're my family and we love each other, but also because I feel incredibly blessed to have been given a second chance at a family.

27. Isabella and Jake, my youngest siblings (3 and a half and seven months, respectively) are the lights of my life. No matter what is going on, or how bad things are, they will always, always make me feel better.

28. Regardless, I don't want any kids of my own. I've pretty much always felt that way about it, although in recent years I've moved my stance from "Never" to "Maybe someday". I'm moving back to "Never".

29. I also don't really want any pets, probably for a few of the same reasons I don't want kids. Added responsibility, etc.

30. I hate jelly beans. EXCEPT for Jelly Belly jelly beans. Those are one of my addictions in life. Except for the gross ones that taste like black licorice, cotton candy, and bubblegum. And tutti-fruitti. WTF is that??

31. My other addictions in life are music, the Food Network, chocolate, caffeine, Starbucks, and lip balm. There are probably others, but cut me a break here. 4-ish hours of sleep last night, remember?

32. I have 4 tattoos: a pegasus on my back, shamrocks on my ribcage, a Celtic trinity heart on my hip, and a swirly star thing (yes, that is the technical term) on my ankle.

33. I love each and every one of them, and have plans for one to two more.

34. Of all my piercings, my nose is my favorite. I refuse to put anything but a tiny, tasteful diamond stud in it. In passing, most people probably don't even notice it.

35. What I want most in the entire world, right this second, is a big mug of black coffee. Preferably one I do not have to brew myself. Given the fact that I am the only person up right now, I'm either going to have to make my own coffee or go somewhere that requires me to brush my hair and put on real clothes.

36. What I want more than anything in the entire world overall? To be a novelist. A successful one. "Successful" meaning that I've had multiple novels published and at least one of them has made the New York Times Best-Seller List.

37. That would be great, if I could finish anything. But I have yet to actually finish a story. I can't even count how many half-written plots I have saved on my computer. I get so into it, and then I just... stop. I don't know how to explain it.

38. I love going for a run. Once I'm actually outside, with my earbuds in and the sun shining on me, I'm good to go. It's getting to that point that becomes difficult. I will find a million excuses not to go.

39. Right now, I feel like John Cusack in High Fidelity. For reasons that I can't really explain.

40. I am pretty much counting the days until NHL hockey starts up again. Of course, I love the Pittsburgh Penguins. They are MY team. However, I love all professional hockey (except for the Capitals and the Flyers, for obvious reasons) and can't wait to sit and watch games again. It is one of my favorite pastimes, right up there with reading, writing, and doing some random crafty stuff.

So there's 40 random things that you didn't know about me. Now, I have to go do some random errands, get coffee, and probably do "some random crafty stuff" because that's just the kind of mood I'm in.

41. Here's one more to make up for number 24, since it's not technically about me. I have an aversion to food that comes in a can. Generally. Soup, vegetables, meat, beer... I prefer versions of these items that are not housed in a can.