This will be quick. But I'm wicked stressed out right now. School is killing me. I'm over it. There are home repair issues currently, which I can't really contribute to, because I've been at school all damn day and there's nothing for me to do to help out.
In addition to this, I feel guilty because I can't help. I feel guilty because it's not really my house and shouldn't be my responsibility, but I have this need to help people when I can and I really can't.I'm struggling with the fact that at the end of the day, it isn't my responsibility. My name isn't on the house or anything. My only responsibilities are the day-to-day random stuff and rent.
And on top of this, my past keeps popping up and sticking its tongue out at me. Irritating, at the least. Mostly, just food for thought though.
One of my Facebook friends posted a question on my wall today. Admittedly, he doesn't know me very well, so I can't blame him for the question. Not that I would anyway, it's a mostly harmless thing that I'm pretty much over. But he posted and asked me about my dad. My biological one, not my real one. I make this distinction because my real dad is George, the man who has always been there when I need him and always will. I am, in every way but DNA, his daughter. He calls me that, he treats me like that, and I've never really felt otherwise.
My biological dad, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with me. I know where he lives, I know where he works. He could easily find me if he wanted to. But he doesn't. He has other kids, two of them, who he cares for and loves. Not me. Now, keep in mind, this is not designed to be a pity party. Most of the time, I really don't think about it or care. I get a moment now and then where it bothers me, because I live in an area now where I pass my half brother's truck on the road fairly often. And yet, if he were standing in front of me, he wouldn't know who I am.
In any case, I haven't had any real contact with him since I was like 8. I don't even know why. Its a weird situation, one that creeps me out because I don't know anything about it. But that's just how it is.
Which brings me to the food for thought thing. How do you have a child, a living, breathing human being who shares you DNA and want absolutely nothing to do with them? How can you live literally minutes from them and not care? Not even wonder? Can you be that wrapped up in your own life that they don't matter? And in this case, how do you have three kids and decide that only two of them matter? Now, its not just me. He has no contact with his mother, my grandmother, either. So maybe its more than I realize. I know he's got mental issues, which I'm sure plays into it.
At any rate, that's what I'm pondering right now. Now, I've got to say, don't think that I feel like I lack in the father department. Given what I said earlier, George is my dad. He's always been there, so I don't think I'm missing anything by having no contact with my biological father. Its just something that I ponder now and then when it gets brought up to me, as it was today.
Well. I'm off, I need to finish getting ready. Andy's picking me up for "Kidnapping: Part 2". Which is a lot more fun than it sounds. Maybe another post later or tomorrow, depending on how well this evening's de-stressing goes.
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