Its been a rough couple of days. I've been in an absolutely foul mood lately, given the stress I've got going and my frustration with the people in my life.
I'm getting really tired of feeling like I can't trust the people who are supposed to be my friends. I'm no longer sure of who I can speak freely with. At work, it's like people constantly need to talk shit and try to start drama between friends or enemies. And in the rest of my life, I just can't be sure where loyalties lie anymore. I have my suspicions regarding certain situations, but nothing I can prove.
At the end of the day though, does proof even matter? If I have doubts or feelings of unease when I'm talking to a "friend" about whether or not they're going to betray me, isn't that enough? Even if it isn't true, if it can be proved that they've not done what I thought they have, the fact that I had to question still means something. At least to me. I don't think you should ever have to doubt a true friend. In fact, I just sent a text to my Courtney, one of the few friends I have never felt the need to doubt in this department.
This is taking me forever, because Chopped All Stars is on, and its the episode I missed from this past Sunday. With all of my favorite chefs competing. =] And I want some sushi. Not the raw kind, which I know makes me an amateur, but I just can't put raw fish in my mouth.
Anyway, I'm frustrated with the fact that I really don't feel like I can trust a lot of the people in my life. But, in the interest of not being hypocritical, I have to say that there was a time fairly recently when I sort of betrayed a friend. One friend was completely dicking over another friend, and it was really upsetting to me. Not only was this person being dicked over, they were also being hurt. I did what I felt I had to for my own conscience in sharing a piece of information, and things have worked out the best for both parties because of it.
But it can be called betrayal. I'll give you that. However, I also feel the need to say that I acted based on my own conscience. It wasn't to hurt anyone or to piss anyone off or for my own agenda. It was because I didn't want to see one person continue to treat another unfairly.
Moving on. This afternoon, my frustration peaked. I was getting ready to leave the house, and I had just finished a conversation with Sarah, and it didn't help at all. I sat down on my bed and dammit, I started tearing up. I wouldn't call it crying, because I didn't. But I'd be lying if I said a few angry, frustrated tears didn't manage to fall.
Which, of course, disgusted me, since I pretty much never cry. It just seems silly to me, to sit and cry. Then you get all stuffed up and can't breathe, your face gets red, your eyes get puffy, and it gives me a headache. I wind up just as miserable as I was before. Not worth it.
So I grabbed my purse and headed out for the day. I went to my gram's early in the evening and that helped. Gram always helps. She makes me coffee (and somehow, her coffee ALWAYS tastes better than any coffee I've ever had) and feeds me (and any food she makes ALWAYS tastes better than whatever I make, no matter if I do it exactly like she does or not) and listens to me endlessly. She offers advice or commiserates as needed, and basically just makes me feel so much better about life.
After that, my day improved even more, because I got to see my Andy for a few minutes. He was working, so I only got about 5 minutes, but they were the best 5 minutes of my day, hands down. He made me smile, as always. And I got to hug him and smell him and give him a kiss. Plus, he looks hot in that uniform. =] I went to the gym after that, two days in a row. I'm proud of myself for that, plus, I really needed to burn out my anger a little.
I like the gym at Penn State Beaver. There's a flat screen TV, so I can watch Food Network while I run. Inspiration? Maybe. Entertainment? Definitely! So I'm hoping I have the drive to continue working out on a more regular basis. Swimsuit season is almost here, and let's just say I won't be busting out the VS zebra bikini as it stands.
Well, I'm off. Things to do, Andys to see. =]
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