Attitude adjustment, for real.

So I posted earlier and I was feeling down. Just blahh, nothing appealed to me. I was unhappy but didn't want to or couldn't do anything to put a smile on my face.

And I've just bummed around and relaxed all night, which is not a bad thing. I didn't know what to do with myself for a little while, Worst Cooks in America was the same one I watched yesterday and there was nothing else on. It's very rare for me to not be able to watch the Food Network. I was a little lost, haha.

Anyway, I've been just hanging out and talking with friends on Facebook and BBM. And I'm just struck again by how lucky I am to have so many people in my life who care about me. People who love me and are always there to listen or give advice or just make me laugh. And I'm so thankful for these people who make my life better. I'm going to be counting my blessings tonight when I go to bed, with a smile on my face.

I'm no longer blahh. Now I'm just thankful and blessed.

Forgiveness.

Day 3 of my 30 Days of Honesty is something I need to forgive myself for. It's oddly appropriate, because the last couple of days I've been really beating myself up over some things.

What it really boils down to is forgiving myself for not being perfect. I have these incredibly high standards for myself and I can never live up to them. It's dumb things like not working out, or not getting up on time, or eating food that I know isn't on my diet. Although I didn't blow it as bad as I thought tonight with the deep fried fish. I'm only about 100 calories over my daily limit. Not that I'm not disappointed in myself, but still.

Pause to get a Diet Pepsi from the fridge.

Mmmkay. Back. At any rate, I get really upset with myself over my mistakes. Like really upset. For example, the other night I went out drinking and had a little too much and started acting like an idiot. It's rare for that to happen, I usually just have a few and chill, or even if I do get tipsy, I won't act up. But I did the other night, and it pissed me off. I don't like that people saw me that way or that I represented myself that way, because it isn't me.

I'm still pissed off, to be perfectly honest. But usually when something like that happens, I get the hint that it's time to rein myself in and quiet down, so to speak. On top of that, the alcohol definitely hinders my weight-loss goals. I'm probably sabotaging myself way more than I realize with the alcohol.

So the thing I need to forgive myself for is lack of perfection. And I've known that for some time. I just need to work harder at it. It should probably go on my list of New Year's resolutions. Which I'll post here shortly, I have them written down, but I feel like if it's on my blog, I'll feel slightly more accountable. =]

In other news, I still can't shake that blahh feeling. All day I've been this way. I think a big portion of it is the weather-- I am a sunshine girl. Today was just gray and cold and blahh. Plus, like I said, I'm still mad at myself for the other night (I know that I really should just let it go, it's not like I did anything terrible, I was just being loud and drunk) and I'm upset over the problems in my relationship with Nick.

That's a hard subject that I'm just not ready to put out there yet. My mood already sucks enough tonight, I can't add to it. I think I'm going to go finish watching my movie, maybe workout (fish and chips, oops). Relax, get myself prepared to double tomorrow...

It's only 8:20 when it feels like it should be closer to midnight. Weird.

I need a new project. I'm considering getting back into cake decorating and maybe trying candy-making as well. And cooking more. I have all these ideas for different recipes and I never bother to try them out. I should work on that.

That's another resolution.

Well, all I can do is hope for a good night's sleep and a lucrative double tomorrow. I need to think positive.

30 Days- Day 2

Okay, here's the next in the series. Something I love about myself.

I love my mind. I really, truly do. I put a lot of thought into this today, knowing I was going to blog about it this evening. I love being intelligent. I don't mean to sound pompous by saying that or anything, I'm not saying I'm the smartest person in the world. Not even close.

But I am a reasonably intelligent human being. I've been blessed in that school isn't that difficult for me, I pull pretty good grades and don't feel that I have to work especially hard for them. I know if I did genuinely apply myself, I could probably have a 4.0 GPA. I just choose not to work that hard for whatever reason. I also have trouble making myself go to class.

Regardless, I love that I'm smart. I love that I can pick up a book and be finished with it in one day if I want to. I love being able to go to school and not struggle with concepts and stuff, I love that I have good writing skills from reading so much and that writing papers and whatnot winds up being almost effortless.

Now that I'm done patting myself on the back for being smart, haha, I can move on to other things.

I'm getting that feeling again. The one that nags at me and reminds me that I'm getting a little out-of-control. Letting my laundry pile up. Letting my homework pile up. Staying out too late, just basically letting things slide when I know that they really shouldn't. And I have that bitchy little voice reminding me that I need to clean up my act and get my shit together. So I'm reining in and staying home tonight, doing laundry between periods of the Pens game and probably doing some homework as well.

I don't like when I get this way. I'm so much happier when I'm well-prepared for life. Clean clothes, clean room. Getting stuff ready for school/work the night before, etc. And yet somehow, I still manage to let it slip. I know that I'm happier when I'm organized and prepared and get enough sleep and everything, and yet I still manage to eff myself over on it.

Something to work on, I guess. I do tend to spend a little more time at home now that home is more centrally located, so that helps. I guess right now I'm making a promise to myself to try and do better at this whole being an adult thing. Basically, a commitment to being more responsible to myself.

I'm half asleep right now and it feels like it should be so much later than it is. But that's what happens when you make the mistake of staying out until 3 in the morning when you have to be at work at 10. Can't do that crap anymore, I'm miserable to be around when I don't get at least 7 hours of sleep.

Sunday evening when I went to bed, I was in such a good mood. I felt amazing. Happy, lucky, loved. Today, I'm pretty down on myself. It all comes back to that whole perfectionist thing, and getting angry at myself when I can't be perfect or whatever. And I get even angrier because I know part of the reason for all of this is sheer laziness.

We'll put it on the list of things to work on, I suppose. For now, I need to go fold some laundry between periods and get myself prepped for tomorrow.

I just need to remind myself more often, as someone important to me just did, that I have my life together. Going to school, working, and all of that is in order. I'm responsible, loving, and kind. And at the end of the day, my best is all I can give.

Balm to the soul.

Ok. So I'm skipping the 30 Days entry for today. There's something a little more pressing that I feel the need to blog about.

This morning started out awful. I'm not going to lie, it was terrible. Worst morning I've had in a long time, 2:30am roomie brunch aside. Haha. I can be quoted for saying "Anger isn't necessarily a bad thing in the morning. It gets the blood moving." But that's not a good thing all the time. Today started that way.

I won't exactly go into it right now, it's too fresh and still hurts too much. But it involves a phone conversation that I wasn't looking forward to and feelings that I promised myself I would never have to have about a person again. However, like any other day,  I put it out of my mind and got ready to go to my second brunch date of the day, haha. :)

That helped considerably. More than considerably, it made a world of difference. I got to hang out with someone who never fails to make me smile from the moment I lay eyes on them to the moment I leave. And um, awesome, Jeff Jimerson was at the table next to us. Duh, amazing. So I had a nice relaxing late morning with a friend who is very special to me and was able to let go of my tension, at least somewhat.

After that, me and the roomie (<3) went to a purse party at my favorite hostess's house and I got a fabulous deal on a gorgeous bag and wallet, plus good girl time, quality roomie time. The day continued to get better because I got to watch the Steeler game with my family, the whole family. My dad, stepmom, Mandy, Brian, Andrew, Jess, Izzy, and Jake. I got everyone. :)

After having such a tough time with a lot of things lately, getting to be with my family for even a few hours is a pretty big deal. Between the misery I've been dealing with in my relationship and the ups and downs and adjustments of moving out, I feel like being with them centers me and makes everything better. My dad and I are developing a much closer relationship, Jess and I are getting along better, and I actually get to spend more time with Andrew and Mandy than I have in a long time.

This picture cracks me up. Andrew, who I love to death and always has the ability to make me laugh, and my Izzyboo, who is the absolute light of my life. No matter how bad of a day I'm having, a hug and a kiss from her has the ability to fix absolutely anything.

And honestly, just the whole atmosphere of everything fills me with a joy that I've never really known before. This is my family, and they love me, and I love them. It feels like me moving out has strengthened my bond with them and made me appreciate them so much more, and I thank God for it every day. I love texting my dad about random stuff I see on Fox News, or just to say hi. I love that Izzy talks about coming over to see me after I get off work. The whole thing is just something that I find so much happiness in, it's hard to even explain.

Tonight, and most nights that we all get together at the house, we all get there and kind of congregate in the kitchen. We're already laughing and bullshitting and drinking and snacking. It's chaos, Izzy and the dogs are running rampant and we're all just having a good time. My dad finishes making whatever food he's making and we fix plates and move to the living room. We eat and talk and laugh and watch whatever it is that we got together for, a Steeler game or the Winter Classic, or just for kicks. We trash-talk the people on TV and laugh our asses off at the antics of Izzy and the dogs. Jake gets passed around (to those of us who will hold him anyway, Andrew refuses until they're at least six months old, haha) and we just have a great time together.

The whole night just fills me with a joy that nothing else can even touch. I've always loved my family and they've always been so important to me, but it's like that bond, that love that I have for them is just multiplying exponentially and sometimes it truly overwhelms me. I'm so lucky to have so many people who love me, so many people who bring me such happiness and love and support. Its truly a balm to my soul to have such an amazing family.

Overall, this day has just continued to approve after a rough morning. And my great friends and family are the people I have to thank for it. I'm borderline tearing up here because I just keep thinking about how lucky I am and how many times I've taken all of these people for granted in my heart. And I'll never do that again. I will never be able to look at my family the same after moving out and dealing with so many difficult times in my life. They are my foundation, my joy, my everything. My absolute. They are there, no matter what, and they always will be.

I need to go to bed, because I have class in the morning. But it's difficult when I can't wipe the smile off of my face and I'm ready to cry at the same time because my heart is just so full right now. I'm rapidly realizing that God will always give you what/who you need in life, or point you in the right direction to find them.

Especially those who leave your life and then come back. That is absolutely amazing, because it isn't often that you're given a second chance.

When I lay down to go to sleep tonight, I will be praying and thanking God for all the great people I have in my life and the happiness and love they give me. I genuinely feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now.

Kicking it off... 30 Days of Honesty

Day one. New blog. Its an idea I got from my friend Beckie, who I haven't really seen or spoken to much in a long time. Too long. But I was reading her blog and decided that this may be a good time in my life to start one of my own.

See, I'm having sort of a rough time right now. I'm readjusting to life as a college student after taking two years off to work full time. I'm in my second semester, and it's been difficult to say the least. I've also just moved in with one of my best friends, Sarah. Another adjustment. I've never lived anywhere but at home, really. I mean, "home" wasn't always what one would traditionally think of, but isn't that the case more often than not these days?

Its been weird, to say the least. I'll get to that a little later, I suppose, as the purpose for this first post is to kick off 30 Days of Honesty. This just seems like a good time in my life to do a little self reflection and look at my life and where it's going.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Ha. Today, it's difficult to narrow that down to one thing. I've been having a really rough time lately, so I'm feeling particularly down on myself. I'm going to go with my strange cycle of perfectionist tendencies combined with procrastination.

This is particularly an issue now, as I'm back in school. Just last semester, in fact, I had a 15-page term paper that was assigned in my Supply Chain Management class. It was in the syllabus, assigned the first day. The given deadline was the last day of class, with two earlier deadlines for extra credit. For me, at least, SCM was kind of an ambiguous subject, something I had trouble pinning down. It isn't like leadership and motivation or PR, where you can kind of wrap your mind around the concept and gain an understanding of it, shape it, take the knowledge and apply it to things in your life. Not to me, anyway. It's all about logistics and inventory management and other boring concepts. Maybe part of it was the professor, I don't know. He definitely didn't help. I think at least half of us nodded off on a regular basis during that hellish hour and fifteen minutes.

At any rate, we had to do a 15-page paper on a SCM topic of our choosing, a business that uses that particular idea and our feelings on it. I figured I'd wait and find something that struck my fancy during class and then use that.

Nothing in class ever struck my fancy. When I went, of course. That was one of those classes I never (or very, very rarely) felt guilty for skipping. After all, the professor was unbearably boring and on top of that, after the first test, he'd posted some nasty comments about people in my class being stupid on Facebook. Really, dude? Of course, one of my classmates stumbled upon that and it became an issue. Apology during class, whatever other punishment got handed out by the university, and we're done.

Back to the paper. December 2nd was the due date. Like absolutely must be turned in by 4:30pm electronically that day. Who waits until a week before the paper is due to even think about a topic? Yep, this girl. So I picked a topic out of the air, more or less. Six Sigma business practices. Woo hoo. Sounds amazing, doesn't it? I knew what it was, but not much more than that.

So after emailing another professor to get a better feel for it and some ideas as to where to go with the paper, I still waited. 3 days before the deadline, I started this stupid paper. I did come up with a pretty genius method for writing papers requiring a lot of information from outside sources, at least it works wonderfully for me. It involves an outline color-coded by source and a corresponding works cited page. To make a long story short, I basically spent 9 hours writing this paper the day before it was due. The paper turned out fantastic, the professor I had emailed to ask about it actually uses it as an example in one of his classes. I got a 100% on it. But I was completely burned out by the time I turned it in. Like, I thought my brain was going to turn to liquid and leak out my ears. I was up until the wee hours of the morning writing, slept for 3 hours and got up armed with a pot of really strong coffee to finish it and edit.

And the whole time, I kept asking myself "WHY??". There was no reason for me to procrastinate like that. I knew about the paper for almost 15 weeks and yet I waited. I could have chosen my topic way earlier, could have researched, etc. I actually wound up using GE and Jack Welch's ingenious business practices ( the Work-Out method and Six Sigma) for my topic. It was something I wound up finding interesting, something that really did teach me management and logistics principles.

Given more time, I would have loved to read the Work-Out Method book before writing the paper. I may still read it just for kicks, because the topic interests me.

The point being, even though I busted my ass because that paper was going to be the best paper I'd ever written even if I had to practically pull an all-nighter, I could have done an even better job if I had just started earlier.

I hate that I do that. With everything. I will sit on my ass and watch TV until half an hour before I have to be somewhere and then go "Oh shit, I need to shower and get ready" and I wind up being late because I couldn't find an outfit or my hair wouldn't go right or whatever. I feel the need to look/act/be perfect in everything, and I don't leave myself enough time to do so. Which results in my being late, or not getting the grade I wanted or looking as good as I wanted or just generally not living up to my impossibly high standards for myself and getting pissed off.

Of course you know I don't hold anyone else to such ridiculous standards. Just myself. It turns into this vicious cycle of procrastination and idiocy and I wind up beating up on myself and feeling like a failure. And yet, I can't seem to stop.

Pure. Fucking. Idiocy.

So maybe this post will cause me to look at things and decide to be different. I know that its going to take a Herculean effort for me to change this part of myself. I've never been good with willpower and forcing myself to stick to goals or rules that I set. For example, dieting. I'm terrible at it. Exercising, same thing. Which could totally take me into another thing I hate about myself, my body. But we won't go there today. I really haven't got the time.

Off to shovel the driveway (Dear Beckie, please pack me in your suitcase and take me with you when you go to Hawaii!!!) and get ready to take my dad out to dinner for his birthday.

I'm really excited about that, I miss my family since I've moved out. And I'm going to use tonight as an opportunity to have my dad act as a sounding board and possibly give me some advice on my current issues. That's big for me, as I've never been very close to my dad that way. We're not a family that is big on being emotionally open or whatever, so this is weird. But I can already tell a difference in my relationship with him from moving out. A closeness. A more adult relationship. Friendship, almost.

I don't know. But I've got things to do, places to go, people to see (that's another issue we can come to in a later post, ha) and a tasty dinner to have with my family.