Memories.

I've been struck, the last couple of days, by things that trigger a lot of memories for me, of times before.

Weird things. And it isn't always memories in the sense that I can remember particular scenes. Sometimes its just a particular thing that reminds me of how life used to be. Like the other day. I was out for a run near my house and I passed a farm. The barn doors were open (not that it would have mattered if they were closed) and I could smell that familiar scent. Hay and animals and nature and yes, crap (because it happens haha). But the whole thing was comforting, in a sense, and made me think of my life before. When I lived with my mom and  I was young and we spent a lot of time with the horses. That was a good time. I can still remember it vividly, and if I'm inclined, I can still drive past both of the barns that we kept our horses at.

It has been a long time since I've thought about this. Particularly my mom's horses. She had two, Robin the mother, and Fancy the baby. We were forced to get rid of both, but I can see them both in my mind like it was yesterday.

I was struck again today by the scent of grease and car parts. I went into Pep Boys for something stupid and took a deep breath and couldn't help but relive my childhood again. I grew up around those smells. Being in my grandparents/uncle's shop, being in my parents' shop. It was what I knew. And I remember it. The smell is the most vivid. And even though things were bad with my mom, I remember mostly the good times. The scent memory is a pleasant one, not a bitter one. So at least I have that.

It happened again just now. Andy and I were watching random stand up comedians on Youtube, and we wound up on Dennis Leary. It made me think of someone I used to spend a lot of time with, because he's the one who first introduced me to Dennis Leary's stand up. We used to quote it back and forth "Big N, little y, BIG F*CKING Q!!!" That was our thing. He was someone I once would have considered one of my best friends. We were inseparable at one point. God, the fun we had. Just sitting around talking, or having a few drinks and shooting pool. I was always terrible at pool, not that I've gotten any better. But we had fun and that was what mattered. We spent so much time together, I practically lived with him and the rest of the guys. And it was one of the most fun times I can recall over the course of my life.

This particular friend and I are no longer on speaking terms, as of today. I won't go into why, as that's between him and I. But it's hard. It hurts, I won't lie. I miss hanging out with him and having fun the way we used to. And it makes me genuinely sad that we can't be friends anymore.

I don't know what else to say, except maybe that this is my tribute to the memories and people who can no longer be a part of my life. And that I need to go and focus on moving forward now, not backwards.