Blahhhh. Monday. It's not looking like a good day for my night class, just in case you were wondering. I stopped home after lunch with Jason to throw some laundry in and whatnot, and now I'm on a roll with getting stuff done here and don't want to make the trip back to school. Plus, I just hate it.

In other news, I have a lot on my mind. Not that that in itself is news, I always have a lot on my mind. Which I'm sure is part of why I've had several migraines lately. But, that's just the story of my life, I suppose. School, surprisingly, is not the root of all my stress. At this point, it's just a minor nuisance. I'm tired of it. I'm finding it very difficult to even care whether or not I go. I still do all my assignments and such, and I do the best I can on them. But honestly, I'm tired of having the drain on my time and energy. May cannot come fast enough for me. Senioritis, anyone?

No, mostly my stress concerns "WTF am I going to do with the rest of my life?". My internship isn't exactly disappointing, but I have come to conclude that I do not want to spend the rest of my life in restaurant management. Which, I suppose, was the point of the whole exercise, wasn't it? To figure out if I could handle doing this forever. And I can't.

Honestly, for spending as much as I am on a Penn State degree, I feel like I'm selling myself short. I'm looking at a job that has no 401k or anything, no benefits as far as I know, and the furthest I can get myself within the company is more than likely General Manager of a particular location. And that's IF I'm really lucky and work really really hard. I don't know how much GM's make, or AGM's (assistant) either, but I have a feeling it's not all that great. Don't get me wrong, I love the company, I love most of the people I work with and I definitely respect the company overall as far as how it's run, etc, but I just don't think it's going to take me where I want to go.

Unless they want to say, send me south to manage one of the beach locations.

Anyway. I'll be done with my internship over the summer and I can spend the Fall semester looking for other opportunities I suppose. Which still leads me back to "WTF do I want to do with the rest of my life?". And I guess it requires a lot more than I thought it would now. I used to think that I would love a job with a lot of traveling, or even a permanent or semi-permanent relocation. Of course that train of thought was rooted in my early teens, when I was not in a good place family-wise. Leaving seemed like a really good idea. Getting the hell out of Western PA and leaving behind all the crappy memories and basically giving the finger to all the people in my life who didn't care the way they should have.

Now the thought of leaving for any longer than a week or two on vacation is more than I can bear. I was lucky enough to be given a family that does love and appreciate me. I'd miss them too much. And now with Izzy and Jake, I can't bear the thought of not getting to see them grow up, or at least not being able to see them nearly as often as I do now (which is still only once a week if I'm lucky, I wish it was more!). What if I had to move away and spend months/years at a time away? It would break my heart to come home and have either one of them not recognize me.

So apparently its Western PA for me. Which is honestly okay at this point. I don't feel like I need to get out of here and do fantastic, newsworthy things to be happy. Give me a job I enjoy (or at least can tolerate) with a decent pay and benefits, an apartment/townhouse (because I'm so not into home repairs or lawn care), and some free time to work on my writing, and I'm good to go. And probably a cat. Or maybe a small dog, like a Pekingese.

Or, God help me, in the event that I hitch myself to another human being for the rest of my life, I'd still like the job, the time for writing, and a cat/dog, but I'll take a house. With an attached garage for my car to be parked in during inclement weather. That would, of course, depend on the willingness of said human being to do all home repairs and landscaping. If he is unwilling, then we're back to the townhouse.

And maybe, just MAYBE, if the stars align and I feel as though there is not enough stress in my life, the possibility for a kid. Just one. And the jury is still out on that, for sure.

Most of that would depend on me getting past A) My phobia for doctors/hospitals/etc. and B) The fact that pregnancy and everything that it entails COMPLETELY grosses me out. To the point where other people talking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.

So apparently that's what I want out of life.

I feel like things keep shifting though. Like with the job thing. I sort of thought I had that figured out. Okay, part of it is about the financials involved, but honestly, I just don't think I'd be happy doing that forever. There's not really a challenge. Not much to work towards, goal-wise. And I feel like it would be a complete shame not to put my writing skills (which are pretty great, I've got to say... modest, I know) to good use. I love writing, and that is one job where there is pretty much none of that to be done. And if there is, it's minimal. Mostly, I don't feel like it challenges my brain. For the most part, as someone already warned me, it's basically babysitting.

Anyway, back to the shifting stuff. The job view has shifted severely in the last couple of weeks. My time line for a lot of things has shifted. I'm considering maybe getting my MBA right away, or getting a degree in something else. As much as I say I'm over school, if I can't do something with what I've got, I need to find something else or find another field.

And there's this other thing. Potential change in living arrangements. It wouldn't be for awhile yet, I don't really have a time frame on it. But it would be a positive shift for me, I think. Very. There's more to it than just a change of address, so it's something that needs to be thought about pretty seriously before I do anything though. But, as I said, it's not something that needs to be worried about right this second. I've got time. Although yes, this is part of the "a lot on my mind" that was at the beginning of this.

I do, however, have to go do homework and whatnot. So I'm going to put this very long (and probably boring) post to rest.