I have absolutely no desire to be awake right now. But my allergies or head cold or whatever I have going on won't let me sleep. I'm praying that it isn't an ear infection, but that's becoming more and more likely. All I can do is take some Advil and hope for the best right now.

The last few weeks have certainly been filled with ups and downs. But things have gotten better, I'm moving in a direction that I think will be good for me. The last two-ish weeks particularly, I've had a lot of time to think and gain perspective on life.

I had 14 hours of thinking time when I randomly decided to go to North Carolina and visit my best friend two weeks ago. I was headed to work on Monday morning and thinking about all of the stress and unnecessary drama in my life. Why make things more complicated than they have to be? That tends to happen to me a lot if I'm not careful. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted a couple of days away from everyone and everything in PA. Given that I didn't have to work again until Thursday night, it seemed like a great idea to take off for a couple of days and go visit my best friend who I've not spent nearly enough time with.

I've also said many times that I was going to go visit her and hadn't. So I went to work, went home, showered and threw some clothes in a bag, and I got on the highway. It only took about 7 hours to do the 450 mile trip. And I truly enjoyed it. The whole experience. Courtney lives right outside of Charlotte, and so while she was at work Tuesday I went and walked around the city and took pictures. The architecture is gorgeous and the city is super pedestrian-friendly. I'm in love with it. Pictures will be posted at the end of this.

So anyway. I've had a lot of time to think and get my brain in order. And ever since last week, I've been walking around with this feeling of contentment. Yeah, there are irritations and problems in life. But I'm happy. I'm getting my degree (in December, HOLY COW!!!!) and working my way towards a "big girl" job. In the meantime, I've got a job that I don't always hate and a pretty awesome place to live and friends and family who love me.

Even though sometimes it is to my detriment, I love my sense of independence. I was talking to my gram yesterday and told her about going to NC, and she told me I had a lot of guts. I was like... why? Haha. Apparently embarking on a solo, spur-of-the-moment road trip 450 miles away and then walking around an unfamiliar city by myself is "gutsy". I'm sure some would say stupid, but I like gutsy better. Haha.

At any rate. I'm genuinely blessed. And like I said, I've got this contentment thing going. For once, my control freak tendencies are nowhere to be found, and I've been able to let go of the things that I can't control. Why worry about things that are out of my hands?

One thing that is in my hands is my own happiness. I'm done letting other people control that. It's my life, I'm going to do things the way I want to do them. And now, I require some coffee and potentially a late breakfast. I'm suddenly struck with the urge to be reasonably productive.

Sweet hanging plant thing. I want one.

Random church that just struck me.

Mosaic mural on the side of a building. Love it.

There are more pictures on Facebook, but these were a few of my favorites.

A whole bunch of random things that you probably didn't know about me.

Can't sleep again. Big surprise there. I figured instead of laying in bed, tossing and turning uselessly and thinking about things that I can't change, I'd use this opportunity to blog and play with Photoshop, as that is my new obsession. Not that I'm very good at it. Who cares? Its fun.

So here are a bunch of random facts that people may or may not know about me, since the rest of the crap floating around in my head right now is not blog material.

1. I am absolutely addicted to Aerie underwear. I probably have 100+ pairs, and I love every one of them.

 2. The downside to number 1 is that I only wear VS bras, so my underwear and bra will never, ever match.

3. I refuse to watch One Tree Hill after season six is over. Why? Because Hilarie Burton left the show and I can no longer stare in envy of her gorgeous hair.

4. I am not as much of a hardass as I pretend to be. Few people know when they genuinely hurt me, and I prefer it that way. That said, if you do hurt me? Look the f*ck out, because I do not take kindly to having my heart broken (or dented, or scratched, for that matter).

5. On that topic, my heart is currently being seriously abused by the one person I never thought would be able to do that to me.

6. I cannot eat ramen noodles if they have been cooked in the microwave. There is just something about microwaving ramen that seriously freaks me out. Stovetop only, please!

7. Random part of my body that I hate? My feet.

8. Random part of my body that I love? My eyes. =]

9. If I could go back in history to any time, just for a few days, I would definitely hit the late 5th century and check out King Arthur and pals. Yeah, I know his historical existence is widely debated and all, but I'm just going to go with it.

10. Now I feel the need to reread Mists of Avalon. For like, the 200th time. I'm only on my third or fourth copy.

11. As we speak, I am experiencing serious Hilarie Burton hair envy.

12. There are not many things that make me shriek like a girl. Bugs, small reptiles, and people jumping out of dark corners are three things that will get me every time. But not mice. I lived on a farm, mmkay? Mice are no biggie.

13. I love, love, love cherry tomatoes. Or fresh-from-the-garden tomatoes in general. But cherries are always a good bet.

14. The single most influential person in my life is my grandmother. She has been the one constant in my life from the day I was born.

15. Currently, my average amount of sleep per night is right around three hours. This from the girl who used to easily get 10 hours a night. Needless to say, Kristin is not a happy girl right now.

16. The last time I went on vacation, I was sixteen. I will turn 25 this year. Is anyone else depressed by the lack of beach in my life?

17. My best friend lives in North Carolina, close enough to the beach for a day trip. I just never seem to have the time off of work/school and the money to go at the same time. It's either one or the other.

18. I'm really, really, REALLY hoping that will change this year and I'll be able to go visit her for a few days.

19. My favorite movie to watch when I'm having boy troubles is High Fidelity.

20. Now that this particular disc of OTH is over, I'm going to switch to High Fidelity.

21. I am not a morning person. I never have been, and I never will be. Given the choice between getting up early and doing laundry and cleaning and working out and whatever else I need to do that day and doing all of those things between the hours of midnight and 4am, I would choose option 2. Unfortunately, life is not conducive to my nocturnal ways.

22. That being said, the current trend of not sleeping has given me a greater appreciation for the hours between 7 and 10am.

23. Don't get excited though. As soon as I can figure out why I'm not sleeping (most likely STRESS) and fix it, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.

24. Did you know that the term DEFCON 5 is actually the lowest level of defense readiness on the scale of 1 to 5? Movies just use that term because it sounds better.

25. You're going to say that's cheating, because it isn't really a random fact about me. It does, however, demonstrate my love for and addiction to Google. I will look up pretty much anything on Google, be it one of life's pressing questions or something ridiculous and random that I wonder about in my downtime. See above.

26. My family is really important to me. Because they're my family and we love each other, but also because I feel incredibly blessed to have been given a second chance at a family.

27. Isabella and Jake, my youngest siblings (3 and a half and seven months, respectively) are the lights of my life. No matter what is going on, or how bad things are, they will always, always make me feel better.

28. Regardless, I don't want any kids of my own. I've pretty much always felt that way about it, although in recent years I've moved my stance from "Never" to "Maybe someday". I'm moving back to "Never".

29. I also don't really want any pets, probably for a few of the same reasons I don't want kids. Added responsibility, etc.

30. I hate jelly beans. EXCEPT for Jelly Belly jelly beans. Those are one of my addictions in life. Except for the gross ones that taste like black licorice, cotton candy, and bubblegum. And tutti-fruitti. WTF is that??

31. My other addictions in life are music, the Food Network, chocolate, caffeine, Starbucks, and lip balm. There are probably others, but cut me a break here. 4-ish hours of sleep last night, remember?

32. I have 4 tattoos: a pegasus on my back, shamrocks on my ribcage, a Celtic trinity heart on my hip, and a swirly star thing (yes, that is the technical term) on my ankle.

33. I love each and every one of them, and have plans for one to two more.

34. Of all my piercings, my nose is my favorite. I refuse to put anything but a tiny, tasteful diamond stud in it. In passing, most people probably don't even notice it.

35. What I want most in the entire world, right this second, is a big mug of black coffee. Preferably one I do not have to brew myself. Given the fact that I am the only person up right now, I'm either going to have to make my own coffee or go somewhere that requires me to brush my hair and put on real clothes.

36. What I want more than anything in the entire world overall? To be a novelist. A successful one. "Successful" meaning that I've had multiple novels published and at least one of them has made the New York Times Best-Seller List.

37. That would be great, if I could finish anything. But I have yet to actually finish a story. I can't even count how many half-written plots I have saved on my computer. I get so into it, and then I just... stop. I don't know how to explain it.

38. I love going for a run. Once I'm actually outside, with my earbuds in and the sun shining on me, I'm good to go. It's getting to that point that becomes difficult. I will find a million excuses not to go.

39. Right now, I feel like John Cusack in High Fidelity. For reasons that I can't really explain.

40. I am pretty much counting the days until NHL hockey starts up again. Of course, I love the Pittsburgh Penguins. They are MY team. However, I love all professional hockey (except for the Capitals and the Flyers, for obvious reasons) and can't wait to sit and watch games again. It is one of my favorite pastimes, right up there with reading, writing, and doing some random crafty stuff.

So there's 40 random things that you didn't know about me. Now, I have to go do some random errands, get coffee, and probably do "some random crafty stuff" because that's just the kind of mood I'm in.

41. Here's one more to make up for number 24, since it's not technically about me. I have an aversion to food that comes in a can. Generally. Soup, vegetables, meat, beer... I prefer versions of these items that are not housed in a can.

Memories.

I've been struck, the last couple of days, by things that trigger a lot of memories for me, of times before.

Weird things. And it isn't always memories in the sense that I can remember particular scenes. Sometimes its just a particular thing that reminds me of how life used to be. Like the other day. I was out for a run near my house and I passed a farm. The barn doors were open (not that it would have mattered if they were closed) and I could smell that familiar scent. Hay and animals and nature and yes, crap (because it happens haha). But the whole thing was comforting, in a sense, and made me think of my life before. When I lived with my mom and  I was young and we spent a lot of time with the horses. That was a good time. I can still remember it vividly, and if I'm inclined, I can still drive past both of the barns that we kept our horses at.

It has been a long time since I've thought about this. Particularly my mom's horses. She had two, Robin the mother, and Fancy the baby. We were forced to get rid of both, but I can see them both in my mind like it was yesterday.

I was struck again today by the scent of grease and car parts. I went into Pep Boys for something stupid and took a deep breath and couldn't help but relive my childhood again. I grew up around those smells. Being in my grandparents/uncle's shop, being in my parents' shop. It was what I knew. And I remember it. The smell is the most vivid. And even though things were bad with my mom, I remember mostly the good times. The scent memory is a pleasant one, not a bitter one. So at least I have that.

It happened again just now. Andy and I were watching random stand up comedians on Youtube, and we wound up on Dennis Leary. It made me think of someone I used to spend a lot of time with, because he's the one who first introduced me to Dennis Leary's stand up. We used to quote it back and forth "Big N, little y, BIG F*CKING Q!!!" That was our thing. He was someone I once would have considered one of my best friends. We were inseparable at one point. God, the fun we had. Just sitting around talking, or having a few drinks and shooting pool. I was always terrible at pool, not that I've gotten any better. But we had fun and that was what mattered. We spent so much time together, I practically lived with him and the rest of the guys. And it was one of the most fun times I can recall over the course of my life.

This particular friend and I are no longer on speaking terms, as of today. I won't go into why, as that's between him and I. But it's hard. It hurts, I won't lie. I miss hanging out with him and having fun the way we used to. And it makes me genuinely sad that we can't be friends anymore.

I don't know what else to say, except maybe that this is my tribute to the memories and people who can no longer be a part of my life. And that I need to go and focus on moving forward now, not backwards.

I've been sadly lacking in the blog department lately.

In some respects, this month feels like it has gone on forever. In others, it feels like it has absolutely flown by.

I've honestly been struggling a lot lately. I need to make some changes in my life, that's for sure. It would appear that my internship has done it's job (I'm finished with my hours at the end of this week) and shown me that I do not, in fact, want to be in restaurant management. At least not at this time. It just isn't for me. And honestly, I feel like the stress and pressure and expectations that are put on me by both myself and my boss are unrealistic for my position and and unhealthy.

I don't cry. Ever. But I almost did last night. Because of my job, because I feel pressured and stressed and I hate making mistakes and being reprimanded. Not that anyone enjoys being reprimanded, but I tend to take it way harder than most. I don't think I should have to cry over my job, or lay awake at night and worry. It's starting to seriously affect me. My heartburn is back full force. I toss and turn when I sleep. I'm in a bad mood more often than not, and it's starting to affect my relationship with Andy.

All of these signs point to one thing: time for a change.

So that's what I'm going to do. I've got to work it out in my head and figure out where to go from here, but look for some serious change coming soon, in both the job and home areas.

Countdown to the semester's end...

I should be doing homework. Which seems to be when I blog most frequently. However, I do have an excuse this time. The Angel website for Penn State is experiencing "technical difficulties" which means that I can't even access any of the homework I need to do, because my professor posts it all on there. Yes, I am currently panicking over all of this. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it. So I blog instead, and hope that my professor is feeling cheerful enough to give me an extension.

Wow. So I go to all the trouble to email him asking for an extension, and he emails me back and says no, because I've already met the course requirements. This, of course, puzzled me. I know I have not written a paper for my Leadership class yet. As I am pondering this, preparing to write a response that politely tells my professor he doesn't know what he's talking about, I find out from Amanda that the Leadership paper isn't due until Friday. My professor thought I was asking for the paper due today in my other class with him, which I've already done 2 papers for and thus, met the course requirements. I feel really stupid right now, but I'm going to go ahead and blame it on the overworked/overtired/burning the candle at both ends thing I have going right now. Hell, at this point, I'm starting to feel like I'm melting the middle too.

But at least I don't have to freak about my paper and the fact that the Angel website was down, completely negating the fact that I've been up for almost 3 hours now. I also have coffee, which should never be taken for granted.

So. Life as it is right now. I work a lot. 40-ish hours a week at Primanti's and every other weekend at the Elks club bartending. It's easy, the bartending I mean. Very simple, no complicated mixed drinks, no draft beers. Only like five kinds of beer period. Easy pricing system, and cash only. It's very laid back, the people seem cool so far, and I really can't complain about it.

I also go to school (at least until the end of this week, and then HALLELUJAH it's over until September). Which sucks, and as illustrated by the above story, isn't going all that well. I apparently can't even keep my due dates straight any more. All I can say is, I don't know how I got through this semester. I know that my grades aren't stellar. Pretty much all B's this semester, which I'm not exactly proud of. Last semester, I made the dean's list. But in addition to this one being more challenging due to classes, I think I toed the line of overextending myself.

I may weep in sheer relief at 4pm on Friday. Yeah, I have one final next week. It is, quite honestly, the least of my worries. I have one paper and 1-2 rewrites I still need to do, in addition to the other crappy homework assignments for the rest of my classes this week. But then I'm done and my life can become infinitely simpler and involve more time to myself.

The biggest bright spot in my life right now is, of course, Andy. I could never have hoped for a better relationship. I'm not going to be delusional and say that we'll never fight, or that things will never be hard. That would be too much to expect, and definitely unrealistic. But I think our similar personalities will make things easier to deal with because we understand each other so well.

For example, when I got done training at the Elks on Saturday night, I was exhausted. I was exhausted and starving and pissy because of it. Not to mention, Andy is on midnights right now, so I barely get to see him. Overall, I was just in a flat-out bad mood. But I stopped in Center to see him while he was on duty for a few minutes when I was on the way home, because I pass through there anyway, and mostly because I really just needed something to make me smile. He just kind of let me be in a bad mood, talked to me, gave me a kiss, and sent me home to go to bed.

He's the only person who has ever known how to deal with me when I get that way. I don't do that as frequently as I used to, but it still happens, and there really isn't anything anyone can do to make me happy or placate me. I just need to go to sleep and basically reset myself, for lack of a better term. I don't know if he gets the same way, or if he just knows me that well. Either way, I'm incredibly thankful he knows what to do. In the past, if I was around a significant other in that frame of mind, it usually resulted in a fight.

I guess overall, I'm just really feeling like I'm finally where I need to be in that department. If I can get the rest of my life together, I'll be set. Well, I'm off to do some homework now that Angel is back up. Then I'm off to school. Pens playoff game later, and it's a big one! Lets Go Pens!!!!

Blahhhh. Monday. It's not looking like a good day for my night class, just in case you were wondering. I stopped home after lunch with Jason to throw some laundry in and whatnot, and now I'm on a roll with getting stuff done here and don't want to make the trip back to school. Plus, I just hate it.

In other news, I have a lot on my mind. Not that that in itself is news, I always have a lot on my mind. Which I'm sure is part of why I've had several migraines lately. But, that's just the story of my life, I suppose. School, surprisingly, is not the root of all my stress. At this point, it's just a minor nuisance. I'm tired of it. I'm finding it very difficult to even care whether or not I go. I still do all my assignments and such, and I do the best I can on them. But honestly, I'm tired of having the drain on my time and energy. May cannot come fast enough for me. Senioritis, anyone?

No, mostly my stress concerns "WTF am I going to do with the rest of my life?". My internship isn't exactly disappointing, but I have come to conclude that I do not want to spend the rest of my life in restaurant management. Which, I suppose, was the point of the whole exercise, wasn't it? To figure out if I could handle doing this forever. And I can't.

Honestly, for spending as much as I am on a Penn State degree, I feel like I'm selling myself short. I'm looking at a job that has no 401k or anything, no benefits as far as I know, and the furthest I can get myself within the company is more than likely General Manager of a particular location. And that's IF I'm really lucky and work really really hard. I don't know how much GM's make, or AGM's (assistant) either, but I have a feeling it's not all that great. Don't get me wrong, I love the company, I love most of the people I work with and I definitely respect the company overall as far as how it's run, etc, but I just don't think it's going to take me where I want to go.

Unless they want to say, send me south to manage one of the beach locations.

Anyway. I'll be done with my internship over the summer and I can spend the Fall semester looking for other opportunities I suppose. Which still leads me back to "WTF do I want to do with the rest of my life?". And I guess it requires a lot more than I thought it would now. I used to think that I would love a job with a lot of traveling, or even a permanent or semi-permanent relocation. Of course that train of thought was rooted in my early teens, when I was not in a good place family-wise. Leaving seemed like a really good idea. Getting the hell out of Western PA and leaving behind all the crappy memories and basically giving the finger to all the people in my life who didn't care the way they should have.

Now the thought of leaving for any longer than a week or two on vacation is more than I can bear. I was lucky enough to be given a family that does love and appreciate me. I'd miss them too much. And now with Izzy and Jake, I can't bear the thought of not getting to see them grow up, or at least not being able to see them nearly as often as I do now (which is still only once a week if I'm lucky, I wish it was more!). What if I had to move away and spend months/years at a time away? It would break my heart to come home and have either one of them not recognize me.

So apparently its Western PA for me. Which is honestly okay at this point. I don't feel like I need to get out of here and do fantastic, newsworthy things to be happy. Give me a job I enjoy (or at least can tolerate) with a decent pay and benefits, an apartment/townhouse (because I'm so not into home repairs or lawn care), and some free time to work on my writing, and I'm good to go. And probably a cat. Or maybe a small dog, like a Pekingese.

Or, God help me, in the event that I hitch myself to another human being for the rest of my life, I'd still like the job, the time for writing, and a cat/dog, but I'll take a house. With an attached garage for my car to be parked in during inclement weather. That would, of course, depend on the willingness of said human being to do all home repairs and landscaping. If he is unwilling, then we're back to the townhouse.

And maybe, just MAYBE, if the stars align and I feel as though there is not enough stress in my life, the possibility for a kid. Just one. And the jury is still out on that, for sure.

Most of that would depend on me getting past A) My phobia for doctors/hospitals/etc. and B) The fact that pregnancy and everything that it entails COMPLETELY grosses me out. To the point where other people talking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.

So apparently that's what I want out of life.

I feel like things keep shifting though. Like with the job thing. I sort of thought I had that figured out. Okay, part of it is about the financials involved, but honestly, I just don't think I'd be happy doing that forever. There's not really a challenge. Not much to work towards, goal-wise. And I feel like it would be a complete shame not to put my writing skills (which are pretty great, I've got to say... modest, I know) to good use. I love writing, and that is one job where there is pretty much none of that to be done. And if there is, it's minimal. Mostly, I don't feel like it challenges my brain. For the most part, as someone already warned me, it's basically babysitting.

Anyway, back to the shifting stuff. The job view has shifted severely in the last couple of weeks. My time line for a lot of things has shifted. I'm considering maybe getting my MBA right away, or getting a degree in something else. As much as I say I'm over school, if I can't do something with what I've got, I need to find something else or find another field.

And there's this other thing. Potential change in living arrangements. It wouldn't be for awhile yet, I don't really have a time frame on it. But it would be a positive shift for me, I think. Very. There's more to it than just a change of address, so it's something that needs to be thought about pretty seriously before I do anything though. But, as I said, it's not something that needs to be worried about right this second. I've got time. Although yes, this is part of the "a lot on my mind" that was at the beginning of this.

I do, however, have to go do homework and whatnot. So I'm going to put this very long (and probably boring) post to rest.

Toast.

I really need to go take a shower and get ready to go out with Andy. But I feel like I need to write this really quickly first.

I was having a conversation with someone at work the other day about the bread that we use, and how we both really like it and could easily eat an entire loaf of it and it brought up a really good memory of my Grandma Ann.

In recent years, I haven't had a good relationship with that side of my family. She was my mom's mom, and I haven't had much contact with anyone from that side in like 6, almost 7 years. She died over the summer and it was hard for me to deal with. She'd been sick for awhile, and no one saw fit to tell me that she was hospitalized for over a month. They only called me (not even me, they called my sister and she had to text me and tell me while I was at work) when they thought she was going to die. Like literally, thought she had hours left.

I freaked, of course. Started crying in the middle of the kitchen, had to leave work and go fall apart at my friend Jess's house for a few minutes. I went to see her, and she looked almost unrecognizable to me. It was really hard, but I'm glad I got to see her before she died. She didn't die that day though. Apparently a week or so later they sent her home, essentially because there was nothing else they could do. And when she died, my aunt TEXT MESSAGED my sister to tell her. Again, I had to find out from Jess.

Back to the good memory though. I used to get off the school bus at the auto repair garage that she and my uncle ran together. I'd sit with her for the rest of the afternoon and eat toast. I could eat an entire loaf of French bread in an afternoon. Her toaster made the best toast ever. We used to just sit and talk and watch TV and eat toast in the office together.

I don't know why, but its one of my favorite memories of Grandma Ann. I think because we didn't spend a lot of time one-on-one, so that was special to me. And it was when things were still good with that side of the family. Before my mother got out of control and everyone turned a blind eye to the fact that she was ruining her life and taking her children down with her.

I miss that. I miss when things were good, and I had my Grandma Ann. We would eat toast. And she'd let me play in her "jewelry room" (the spare bedroom where she kept massive amounts of jewelry). And show me the catalogs of flower bulbs she was going to order.

This is kind of what her toaster looked like.

Grandma Ann and a tiny me, standing outside the auto repair shop.