Blahhhh. Monday. It's not looking like a good day for my night class, just in case you were wondering. I stopped home after lunch with Jason to throw some laundry in and whatnot, and now I'm on a roll with getting stuff done here and don't want to make the trip back to school. Plus, I just hate it.

In other news, I have a lot on my mind. Not that that in itself is news, I always have a lot on my mind. Which I'm sure is part of why I've had several migraines lately. But, that's just the story of my life, I suppose. School, surprisingly, is not the root of all my stress. At this point, it's just a minor nuisance. I'm tired of it. I'm finding it very difficult to even care whether or not I go. I still do all my assignments and such, and I do the best I can on them. But honestly, I'm tired of having the drain on my time and energy. May cannot come fast enough for me. Senioritis, anyone?

No, mostly my stress concerns "WTF am I going to do with the rest of my life?". My internship isn't exactly disappointing, but I have come to conclude that I do not want to spend the rest of my life in restaurant management. Which, I suppose, was the point of the whole exercise, wasn't it? To figure out if I could handle doing this forever. And I can't.

Honestly, for spending as much as I am on a Penn State degree, I feel like I'm selling myself short. I'm looking at a job that has no 401k or anything, no benefits as far as I know, and the furthest I can get myself within the company is more than likely General Manager of a particular location. And that's IF I'm really lucky and work really really hard. I don't know how much GM's make, or AGM's (assistant) either, but I have a feeling it's not all that great. Don't get me wrong, I love the company, I love most of the people I work with and I definitely respect the company overall as far as how it's run, etc, but I just don't think it's going to take me where I want to go.

Unless they want to say, send me south to manage one of the beach locations.

Anyway. I'll be done with my internship over the summer and I can spend the Fall semester looking for other opportunities I suppose. Which still leads me back to "WTF do I want to do with the rest of my life?". And I guess it requires a lot more than I thought it would now. I used to think that I would love a job with a lot of traveling, or even a permanent or semi-permanent relocation. Of course that train of thought was rooted in my early teens, when I was not in a good place family-wise. Leaving seemed like a really good idea. Getting the hell out of Western PA and leaving behind all the crappy memories and basically giving the finger to all the people in my life who didn't care the way they should have.

Now the thought of leaving for any longer than a week or two on vacation is more than I can bear. I was lucky enough to be given a family that does love and appreciate me. I'd miss them too much. And now with Izzy and Jake, I can't bear the thought of not getting to see them grow up, or at least not being able to see them nearly as often as I do now (which is still only once a week if I'm lucky, I wish it was more!). What if I had to move away and spend months/years at a time away? It would break my heart to come home and have either one of them not recognize me.

So apparently its Western PA for me. Which is honestly okay at this point. I don't feel like I need to get out of here and do fantastic, newsworthy things to be happy. Give me a job I enjoy (or at least can tolerate) with a decent pay and benefits, an apartment/townhouse (because I'm so not into home repairs or lawn care), and some free time to work on my writing, and I'm good to go. And probably a cat. Or maybe a small dog, like a Pekingese.

Or, God help me, in the event that I hitch myself to another human being for the rest of my life, I'd still like the job, the time for writing, and a cat/dog, but I'll take a house. With an attached garage for my car to be parked in during inclement weather. That would, of course, depend on the willingness of said human being to do all home repairs and landscaping. If he is unwilling, then we're back to the townhouse.

And maybe, just MAYBE, if the stars align and I feel as though there is not enough stress in my life, the possibility for a kid. Just one. And the jury is still out on that, for sure.

Most of that would depend on me getting past A) My phobia for doctors/hospitals/etc. and B) The fact that pregnancy and everything that it entails COMPLETELY grosses me out. To the point where other people talking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.

So apparently that's what I want out of life.

I feel like things keep shifting though. Like with the job thing. I sort of thought I had that figured out. Okay, part of it is about the financials involved, but honestly, I just don't think I'd be happy doing that forever. There's not really a challenge. Not much to work towards, goal-wise. And I feel like it would be a complete shame not to put my writing skills (which are pretty great, I've got to say... modest, I know) to good use. I love writing, and that is one job where there is pretty much none of that to be done. And if there is, it's minimal. Mostly, I don't feel like it challenges my brain. For the most part, as someone already warned me, it's basically babysitting.

Anyway, back to the shifting stuff. The job view has shifted severely in the last couple of weeks. My time line for a lot of things has shifted. I'm considering maybe getting my MBA right away, or getting a degree in something else. As much as I say I'm over school, if I can't do something with what I've got, I need to find something else or find another field.

And there's this other thing. Potential change in living arrangements. It wouldn't be for awhile yet, I don't really have a time frame on it. But it would be a positive shift for me, I think. Very. There's more to it than just a change of address, so it's something that needs to be thought about pretty seriously before I do anything though. But, as I said, it's not something that needs to be worried about right this second. I've got time. Although yes, this is part of the "a lot on my mind" that was at the beginning of this.

I do, however, have to go do homework and whatnot. So I'm going to put this very long (and probably boring) post to rest.

Toast.

I really need to go take a shower and get ready to go out with Andy. But I feel like I need to write this really quickly first.

I was having a conversation with someone at work the other day about the bread that we use, and how we both really like it and could easily eat an entire loaf of it and it brought up a really good memory of my Grandma Ann.

In recent years, I haven't had a good relationship with that side of my family. She was my mom's mom, and I haven't had much contact with anyone from that side in like 6, almost 7 years. She died over the summer and it was hard for me to deal with. She'd been sick for awhile, and no one saw fit to tell me that she was hospitalized for over a month. They only called me (not even me, they called my sister and she had to text me and tell me while I was at work) when they thought she was going to die. Like literally, thought she had hours left.

I freaked, of course. Started crying in the middle of the kitchen, had to leave work and go fall apart at my friend Jess's house for a few minutes. I went to see her, and she looked almost unrecognizable to me. It was really hard, but I'm glad I got to see her before she died. She didn't die that day though. Apparently a week or so later they sent her home, essentially because there was nothing else they could do. And when she died, my aunt TEXT MESSAGED my sister to tell her. Again, I had to find out from Jess.

Back to the good memory though. I used to get off the school bus at the auto repair garage that she and my uncle ran together. I'd sit with her for the rest of the afternoon and eat toast. I could eat an entire loaf of French bread in an afternoon. Her toaster made the best toast ever. We used to just sit and talk and watch TV and eat toast in the office together.

I don't know why, but its one of my favorite memories of Grandma Ann. I think because we didn't spend a lot of time one-on-one, so that was special to me. And it was when things were still good with that side of the family. Before my mother got out of control and everyone turned a blind eye to the fact that she was ruining her life and taking her children down with her.

I miss that. I miss when things were good, and I had my Grandma Ann. We would eat toast. And she'd let me play in her "jewelry room" (the spare bedroom where she kept massive amounts of jewelry). And show me the catalogs of flower bulbs she was going to order.

This is kind of what her toaster looked like.

Grandma Ann and a tiny me, standing outside the auto repair shop.

Update from a busy, busy Tex.

I feel like its been forever. I'm neglecting the blog, and writing in general, truth be told. Shame on me. But I've been crazy preoccupied lately.

For starters, I'm working on my internship at work. Since I'm still serving as well, I'm up to 5 days a week at Primanti's and 3 days of school. All of this equals no days off for Kristin for the foreseeable future. Granted, I have a couple days a week that don't suck, they're my short days at work or school. But still. I really can't complain much though, if I'm not at work or school, I have this tendency to be lazy and sit on my ass and do nothing. So being productive is good.

I've also started reading a new series of books that my friend Amanda from school lent me. I'm totally hooked, like if I sit down and start on one of the books, I tend to finish it. That's pretty much what I did every night that Andy was on midnights. And I'm excited because I feel like its been awhile since I've gotten really hooked on a particular book or author. I'm waiting on a couple of books to come out in paperback (I absolutely hate hardback books, I'm not sure why) and I'm waiting for Kay Hooper to write a new one, so I've been kind of eh on reading much lately. But I'm really enjoying these, and I still have 4 more books in the series that are out.

So yeah. That's been the last week of my life basically. I can tell that the extra hours are affecting me. I've been fighting not to pass out before midnight most of the time, which is completely unlike me. But again, its more hours, and more money, so I can't complain. Plus, I'm enjoying learning something new. Today, I got to help two of the kitchen guys make coleslaw. I won't say it was fun, but it wasn't not-fun. I was entertained, and that's just one more part of the business that I'm knowledgeable in. Like I said, I'm enjoying learning something new, having new responsibilities. I feel like I've got more of a stake in the company or whatever. I don't know, maybe I'm just exhausted and losing my mind.

Another milestone: Took Andy to my parents' house for dinner on Sunday. It was sort of accidental, I didn't even know there was family dinner on Sunday. Jess had asked me about it like a week ago, but she never got back to me and I was supposed to work until 8 anyway. Well just for kicks when I got done early at like 5, I called my dad to chat. I like to do that from time to time, especially if I don't have a chance to see him for more than a week. So we're talking, and he's like "Are you coming over?". I stopped for a second and then said "I didn't know I was supposed to?" and he told me about dinner and everything.

So I called Andy to see if he cared if we scrapped his plan for the evening and went to dinner instead. I was really hoping he'd go with me, I was pretty excited at the prospect of getting a couple hours with him before he went to work for the night. Of course he said yes he'd go, and no he didn't mind the change of plans. I don't think that there's much he would actually deny me (within reason, of course). There's a lot that I wouldn't ask of him though, I'm one of those people who freak about making extra work for someone else or asking them to go out of their way for me. But anyway, we went to dinner and it was a lot of fun. I get very anxious when I bring the guy I'm dating home to dinner. Its just always been an issue for me. My family is very important to me, definitely something I don't take for granted. When you're without a family for part of your childhood (or just have a really sucky one-- both would describe my situation) and then you acquire one, I think it's a little different. But bringing someone around my family is, in my mind, like waving a big "YOU REALLY MATTER TO ME" flag at them. The boyfriend, that is. So yes, I'm saying Andy really matters. Which he is clearly aware of, because duh. We're together and everything.

At any rate, we had fun. He already met most of my family and is good friends with Mandy and Brian, so I wasn't worried about him, and I wasn't as anxious as I have been in the past. And just as I suspected, Izzy took to him right away. They're buddies now, haha. It was really cute though. She wasn't too happy when we had to leave, and demanded a hug and a kiss from him. Plus, Jake has a new trick. He blows raspberries. It's adorable, even when he leaves a giant drool spot on my sleeve. He also has teeth, and I discovered firsthand that they're really sharp!

Sunday was a really good day. Any time that I get to see my family, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have them, and it just gives me this feeling of peace and contentment. I have a lot of people in my life who love me and care about me. Can't ask for much more than that.

Except maybe someone to do my laundry.

It can't rain all the time.

Its been a rough couple of days. I've been in an absolutely foul mood lately, given the stress I've got going and my frustration with the people in my life.

I'm getting really tired of feeling like I can't trust the people who are supposed to be my friends. I'm no longer sure of who I can speak freely with. At work, it's like people constantly need to talk shit and try to start drama between friends or enemies. And in the rest of my life, I just can't be sure where loyalties lie anymore. I have my suspicions regarding certain situations, but nothing I can prove.

At the end of the day though, does proof even matter? If I have doubts or feelings of unease when I'm talking to a "friend" about whether or not they're going to betray me, isn't that enough? Even if it isn't true, if it can be proved that they've not done what I thought they have, the fact that I had to question still means something. At least to me. I don't think you should ever have to doubt a true friend. In fact, I just sent a text to my Courtney, one of the few friends I have never felt the need to doubt in this department.

This is taking me forever, because Chopped All Stars is on, and its the episode I missed from this past Sunday. With all of my favorite chefs competing. =] And I want some sushi. Not the raw kind, which I know makes me an amateur, but I just can't put raw fish in my mouth.

Anyway, I'm frustrated with the fact that I really don't feel like I can trust a lot of the people in my life. But, in the interest of not being hypocritical, I have to say that there was a time fairly recently when I sort of betrayed a friend. One friend was completely dicking over another friend, and it was really upsetting to me. Not only was this person being dicked over, they were also being hurt. I did what I felt I had to for my own conscience in sharing a piece of information, and things have worked out the best for both parties because of it.

But it can be called betrayal. I'll give you that. However, I also feel the need to say that I acted based on my own conscience. It wasn't to hurt anyone or to piss anyone off or for my own agenda. It was because I didn't want to see one person continue to treat another unfairly.

Moving on. This afternoon, my frustration peaked. I was getting ready to leave the house, and I had just finished a conversation with Sarah, and it didn't help at all. I sat down on my bed and dammit, I started tearing up. I wouldn't call it crying, because I didn't. But I'd be lying if I said a few angry, frustrated tears didn't manage to fall.

Which, of course, disgusted me, since I pretty much never cry. It just seems silly to me, to sit and cry. Then you get all stuffed up and can't breathe, your face gets red, your eyes get puffy, and it gives me a headache. I wind up just as miserable as I was before. Not worth it.

So I grabbed my purse and headed out for the day. I went to my gram's early in the evening and that helped. Gram always helps. She makes me coffee (and somehow, her coffee ALWAYS tastes better than any coffee I've ever had) and feeds me (and any food she makes ALWAYS tastes better than whatever I make, no matter if I do it exactly like she does or not) and listens to me endlessly. She offers advice or commiserates as needed, and basically just makes me feel so much better about life.

After that, my day improved even more, because I got to see my Andy for a few minutes. He was working, so I only got about 5 minutes, but they were the best 5 minutes of my day, hands down. He made me smile, as always. And I got to hug him and smell him and give him a kiss. Plus, he looks hot in that uniform. =] I went to the gym after that, two days in a row. I'm proud of myself for that, plus, I really needed to burn out my anger a little.

I like the gym at Penn State Beaver. There's a flat screen TV, so I can watch Food Network while I run. Inspiration? Maybe. Entertainment? Definitely! So I'm hoping I have the drive to continue working out on a more regular basis. Swimsuit season is almost here, and let's just say I won't be busting out the VS zebra bikini as it stands.

Well, I'm off. Things to do, Andys to see. =]

"I didn't need coffee this morning-- I woke up the right way."

Quote from me to Amanda at lunch just now, since I skipped breakfast. But that whole getting out of bed thing was kind of tough.

Been a few days again. I've been a busy girl this past week. Even though it was Spring Break, I picked up a couple extra shifts at work and basically spent the rest of the week with Andy. No complaints there of course. I start my training for work on Saturday instead of Tuesday now due to unforeseen issues, but I'm not worried about it. It may actually work out better that way, given my schedule this week.

My stress level is pretty much on a constant incline these days. Between school (which A- I HATE and B- Is particularly challenging this semester) and work (nerves about the new stuff, $$, etc.) and other random things that have been popping up lately, I'm going to be ready to rip my hair out soon. But hopefully I can sort myself and all of this crap out soon.

I think once I get moving with the internship and training for work, I'll feel better. And once the semester starts winding down (this week is the halfway point!!!) I can breathe a little easier, work more, and hopefully enjoy my last summer off.

There is a lot of positive stuff from this week though. I got to see my family last weekend and spend some time with them. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Andy this week, and that's been awesome. Things in that department are amazing, probably beyond words. And I had the best weekend ever, courtesy of the previously mentioned boy. =]

He's pretty much the only reason I haven't run screaming from Beaver County in its entirety over the last couple of weeks.

Plus, we're cute.

So yeah. Class now, for two straight hours. Then two hours off, then 2.5 more hours of class. Hopefully my night can improve after that.

Tex is a happy girl today.

I'm so antsy today. And my attention span sucks. Not that its ever great to start with, but its worse than usual today. I want to write, but I need to clean, but I want to go get a pedicure too. And there's laundry to do (because isn't there ALWAYS?)  and other random things that I really ought to get caught up on.

But I felt the need to post first, because there's been a few days between posts, and things have gotten interesting. Sort of.

I took the plunge and told Candi I want to start my internship in the next couple of weeks. And that I'm interested in taking the empty manager slot since Kevin left. I start Tuesday the 15th for training. I'm excited and nervous and praying that I'm making the right decision here. But I'm tired of my income depending on the generosity of others. It pisses me off. So I'm going to give this a try. Mostly I'm excited about it, it's a change, a step in the right direction. Lately, I've been really depressed over my job. I'm over serving. Its been 4 years, and I'm just over it.

So I'll try to keep updates coming on that situation. I managed at my other restaurant job before though, and I enjoyed that. This is a step beyond that though. At TRH, it was "coordinating", which meant that I was on the floor, interacting with the customers and doing day-to-day stuff, comps and seating and helping out wherever was needed (behind the bar, expo, etc.) but not much more than that. This is like actual managing. Eventually probably closing by myself, taking care of paperwork, that kind of thing. Jumping on the line if needed (which makes me nervous, I've never cooked before, at least not in that setting), behind the bar, all kinds of stuff.

If nothing else, it's an opportunity not going to waste. If I hate it, by December I'll have a degree and can go do something else if I choose.

Well, at least I threw some laundry in. I feel marginally more productive. And, in about 15 minutes, I managed to submit my FAFSA form. FOR THE LAST TIME EVER. I am so effing excited about that. Although it was considerably easier than usual, given the new option to import your tax info from the IRS automatically. So that was actually pretty painless this time. Which is funny, because it is the last time I'll have to do it (unless I go for grad school *shudder*) and it was the easiest. And my stepmom and I were just discussing how much we hated filling those things out.

Whatever. I feel really productive now, haha. And in like a week, I'll be scheduling my LAST semester of undergrad. Epic. I feel like I've been waiting forever for this to come. Oh that's right, because I have. But it's finally happening. And you know why? Because I refused to let the circumstances of my life turn me into a college dropout. I refused to be stuck at some dead-end job because I couldn't finish my degree. I fought damn hard to get where I am right now, and hell yes I'm proud of it.

So suck on that, doubters. Pause for more coffee.

Anyway. I'm in a really awesome mood today. Snow, aside, of course. But I have good music and hot coffee to keep me company while I get some things done and hopefully start hammering out this plot that's been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now. I figure I have some solid time to work on it this week, given the fact that it is Spring Break. So go me and all of that. And there is a light at the end of the Penn State tunnel, and I get to take on a new opportunity at work (and work towards the light at the end of the school tunnel, haha) and I'm just feeling really good about life.

And of course, there's Andy. =] This "whatever it is that he and I have going on here" is going really well. He makes me smile and he makes me laugh. All the time. So I can't complain.

That's enough about that for now. Wouldn't want to get too sappy. Away we go to write and drink too much coffee. I think sleeping tonight could be a serious issue, but eh, life goes on.

Food for thought. Depressing food. Like brussel sprouts.

This will be quick. But I'm wicked stressed out right now. School is killing me. I'm over it. There are home repair issues currently, which I can't really contribute to, because I've been at school all damn day and there's nothing for me to do to help out.

In addition to this, I feel guilty because I can't help. I feel guilty because it's not really my house and shouldn't be my responsibility, but I have this need to help people when I can and I really can't.I'm struggling with the fact that at the end of the day, it isn't my responsibility. My name isn't on the house or anything. My only responsibilities are the day-to-day random stuff and rent.

And on top of this, my past keeps popping up and sticking its tongue out at me. Irritating, at the least. Mostly, just food for thought though.

One of my Facebook friends posted a question on my wall today. Admittedly, he doesn't know me very well, so I can't blame him for the question. Not that I would anyway, it's a mostly harmless thing that I'm pretty much over. But he posted and asked me about my dad. My biological one, not my real one. I make this distinction because my real dad is George, the man who has always been there when I need him and always will. I am, in every way but DNA, his daughter. He calls me that, he treats me like that, and I've never really felt otherwise.

My biological dad, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with me. I know where he lives, I know where he works. He could easily find me if he wanted to. But he doesn't. He has other kids, two of them, who he cares for and loves. Not me. Now, keep in mind, this is not designed to be a pity party. Most of the time, I really don't think about it or care. I get a moment now and then where it bothers me, because I live in an area now where I pass my half brother's truck on the road fairly often. And yet, if he were standing in front of me, he wouldn't know who I am.

In any case, I haven't had any real contact with him since I was like 8. I don't even know why. Its a weird situation, one that creeps me out because I don't know anything about it. But that's just how it is.

Which brings me to the food for thought thing. How do you have a child, a living, breathing human being who shares you DNA and want absolutely nothing to do with them? How can you live literally minutes from them and not care? Not even wonder? Can you be that wrapped up in your own life that they don't matter? And in this case, how do you have three kids and decide that only two of them matter? Now, its not just me. He has no contact with his mother, my grandmother, either. So maybe its more than I realize. I know he's got mental issues, which I'm sure plays into it.

At any rate, that's what I'm pondering right now. Now, I've got to say, don't think that I feel like I lack in the father department. Given what I said earlier, George is my dad. He's always been there, so I don't think I'm missing anything by having no contact with my biological father. Its just something that I ponder now and then when it gets brought up to me, as it was today.

Well. I'm off, I need to finish getting ready. Andy's picking me up for "Kidnapping: Part 2". Which is a lot more fun than it sounds. Maybe another post later or tomorrow, depending on how well this evening's de-stressing goes.