Good Stuff in 2012

I've been neglecting the blog again. But, as my good friend Beckie put it, I've been busy making 2012 my bitch. :)

I've been working out more, and doing a relatively good job at sticking to my diet. Which is really just about cutting out refined carbs like bread and pasta, etc.

My room is clean and relatively organized. I've been making the bed and trying my best to keep myself organized. I bought a new little calendar planner thing and I'm actually using it.I've been doing my best to keep a positive attitude about life and let the bad stuff go.

So far it's been going well. I've been in a really awesome mood since I've made a conscious effort to keep myself healthy, happy, and organized.

Things like this help too. On my dad's birthday, we all went back to the house and took the babies sled riding.

So it's been good stuff so far this year, and I have every intention of keeping it that way.

Oh yeah. I've also taken up crocheting. I'm working on a scarf, currently. It's made out of this gorgeous, heather gray yarn that's soft and chunky and perfect for a scarf. I'll post more about it and pictures later. Off to finish prepping my meals/snacks for the week and get ready for work. Yay, 2012!!

Traditional New Year's Post (plus some catching up!)

It's been awhile, to say the very least. I won't make excuses for my lack of posts, however, I was incredibly busy. We'll get to that in the catch up section. I really just did not feel like blogging. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. But I'm back now, and I think I'll have a lot more to discuss this year.

So where to start... well, my last post was shortly before my birthday. The weekend after that post, my family threw my brother and I a surprise birthday party at my parents' house. It was awesome. I had no idea, they put it all together for after Jake's first birthday. Mandy, Brian, and Kapeka did all the set up while the rest of us were still at the church. And Andrew and I were both really surprised.

I have to say, that was the best birthday I've ever had. It was just Andrew, me, George, Kris, Jess, Mandy, Brian, and Kapeka and we all hung out in the basement. Mandy and Brian brought some of their equipment and basically turned my parents' basement into a club. I have to say, my family parties better than most of my friends! And it was totally perfect. I had all the people I wanted there to help me celebrate.

Self timer photo. Not the greatest, but we managed to get everyone in it.

The rest of that week is honestly kind of a blur. I went out with different friends several times that week for my birthday, plus Thanksgiving. It was an excellent birthday week though, that's for sure. After that I was just bogged down with school. It was the end of my last semester of college, and I had a lot going on. Especially with that and work and holiday preparations. But I managed to get through all of it and graduate.

Because some of my siblings are just buttheads sometimes. I love them anyway.

So I graduated and all that good stuff. Christmas was awesome. I actually stayed at my parents' house Christmas Eve. This was the first year I haven't lived there, and it just felt weird. Plus, not that I don't love Sarah and everything, but she had her own Christmas plans with Randy and her family, and I didn't really want to be waking up alone on Christmas. And I wanted to watch the babies open their gifts. :)

The week between Christmas and New Year's was basically spent at work, to be honest. And then on top of that, I got sick two days before NYE. I had already spent money on a ticket to an event in Pittsburgh with a couple of friends, so I went even though I was sick and semi-miserable. I had a good time, but I would have had a better time if I hadn't been sick. As a matter of fact, here it is a couple of days later and I'm still sick (which is why I can't sleep). I have no voice, and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest when I try to breathe. I cough a lot. You know, the usual for me when I get sick. Monday was my only day off this week and I had a lot I wanted to do, but I woke up feeling so terrible that I had to just have a sick day and relax. I did nothing but sleep and lay on the couch and watch random TV with Sarah. I really needed it. Besides, it was a snowy, crappy day out anyway. It's not like I missed much. We even ordered pizza so that neither of us had to cook or anything, haha.

And now to the New Year's part of this business.

Resolution time.

1. Let go of the past.

There are people in my life that do not need to be there. They are people who don't necessarily mean me harm, but they do damage to me emotionally that I don't need. They are people who I have had good relationships with in the past that fell apart and I have just been reluctant to let go. So I'm letting go. The people who can't/won't care about me and love me for me are gone. I can't waste my energy and my love on them anymore because there are people who are much more deserving.

2. Lose 50 pounds.

50 is a big number. But it's also necessary. Especially in the last couple of months, I've gained more weight. I'm not happy with myself. I hate the way my clothes fit, I hate the way I look. It is taking a serious toll on my self esteem. I don't want to be so unhappy with myself anymore. And I know that I'm never going to be a size 2, or even a 4 probably. I'm not built that way. I'm built to be curvy, and that's fine. I like that. But I know that I'm overweight and unhealthy. So that needs to change. My eating habits aren't bad, it's mostly my lack of exercise. So I'm going to go back to the YMCA and start forcing myself to go. I don't have the "too busy" excuse anymore because I'm no longer in school. If everyone else with a full time job can manage to go to the gym, so can I.

3. Find a "big girl" job.

Maybe that isn't the correct term, but I don't care. I graduated. I don't want all my work to go to waste. So its time to go on a job hunt. I gave myself until after the holidays to enjoy my freedom and bask in the success and all. Now it's time to get down to business. I want a stable job with a good salary. Benefits. I want to be able to save money for a down payment on a new car or a house or whatever the hell else I feel like saving for. I want a place of my own. Not that I don't love Sarah or anything, but I want my own little apartment or house or whatever. And finding a better job is the first step to that. I have a good, polished draft of my resume that can be tailored to different positions, as well as a cover letter that I can do the same with. It's just a matter of getting myself out there.

4. Be more organized.

This isn't just about keeping my room clean or keeping things in a place where I can remember, etc. This is about in general. I want to have a more regimented schedule. I think that will be key to me sticking to the gym. I want to sleep and night and be awake during the day instead of sleeping until early afternoon and being awake until 5 AM. I want to have a set schedule at work so that I can plan my days and know what I need to accomplish in a particular time frame, etc. The clean room and organization of belongings falls in there too, believe me. But there's the rest of it too.

So there we go. My resolutions for the year. There are other small things in there too, I'm sure. But these are the big ones. I've been unhappy with myself, especially the last few months. This is the chance for a clean slate and a chance to be the person I know that I can be proud of.

Disgusted.

I don't really know what to title this yet. I'm so disgusted and disappointed in the world today.

The back story here is this: I met a guy the other day and we hit it off pretty quick. We exchanged numbers and kept talking. I met him for a drink last night after I got done working. It was the first time we went "out" for lack of a better term. Not a date, just meeting up to talk and get to know each other better.

At least that's what I thought.

Everything was going well until we decided to call it a night. Or at least I did. I was ready to go home, but he apparently had other plans. He invited me to his house, and I declined. I'm not stupid, I pretty much figured out at that point that he was only after one thing. More than just asking me over, he made it blatantly clear what he wanted. And that genuinely pissed me off.

I mean, call me old fashioned or whatever, but what happened to getting to know someone? What happened to meaningful relationships that aren't just about sex? I am so utterly pissed off and disgusted because he sat there and talked to me about books and TV and different things and at the end of the day none of it mattered. He just wanted to get in my pants.

Which clearly did not happen, nor is it going to. Dude lost his chance before he even had one, at least on my end. I hadn't thought any further into things than the fact that he seemed nice, fun, and attractive.

So that's over before it even really got started. And I know I need to shrug it off and chalk it up to an idiotic asshole who doesn't know what he just lost a chance at. But I'm so disgusted over this. Ugh. Someone please restore my faith in humanity?

This ain't no love song, I just felt like gettin' my guitar on and singin' a tune...

I ought to be sleeping. Or trying to. But I can't, because it's 4am and that's just how my habits are these days. All I can say is thank goodness I've been scheduled primarily nights lately. I don't function well before noon. Not that I ever really have, but that's beside the point.

I feel like all I've done for the last two months is work, go to school, and sleep. Sure, I hang out with Josh and Derrick sometimes. But that's about all. Lately, I don't even feel like doing that. Monday is wing night at the Backdoor, and we always go. I don't know if I feel like it this week, honestly. I'm just in a mood right now where I don't feel like being social. I don't go out of my way to talk to anyone, really. I've barely bothered to text anyone the last week or so. Normally, I enjoy having text message conversations with people on a regular basis. But lately, I've just not felt like putting forth the effort.

I don't think I'm depressed or anything. I hope not, anyway. I'm just kind of blah. The whole summer and into the beginning of fall, I had so much drama and stress with the people in my life, I'm enjoying the lack of it now. I was emotionally exhausted, especially after all the back and forth with Joe and other Primanti drama. So for now, I've chosen to concentrate on work and school and let all the crap fall to the wayside.

I know my friends understand. I get like this sometimes, where I just don't want to go out and be social. Like I said, I'm emotionally exhausted.

I've even gotten to the point where I'm not even looking for a guy to date. Not looking, not hoping... basically I'm hiding from it. Again, emotional exhaustion. And maybe I'm selfish, but I just want to focus on myself right now. Plus, I don't really think I need to try and date someone when I'm still tangled up over someone else. No, the "someone else" is not Andy. I prefer to keep that to myself currently, and probably forever. I was over Andy as soon as we were done. Maybe that makes me cruel or whatever... I prefer the term resilient.

I worked Thursday night, Friday night, tonight, tomorrow night, Tuesday, possibly Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.... I also have class thrown in there a couple of times. To be honest, that's all I have planned for the week, and I'm okay with it. I start bartending on Tuesday, and I'm really excited about it. I enjoy bartending, making drinks and talking to people, etc. Plus, it means that management trusts me enough to promote me to that position.

I'll still serve some too, which is fine with me. I like having the option to do either one, which leaves me more options for open shifts and whatnot. More shifts = More $$ for me.

So I guess for now I'm just keeping my nose to the grindstone until I work myself out of this funk. I really think a couple of weeks of quiet, drama-free time to myself will do me a lot of good.

Life is too damn short.

I can't tell you how many times lately I've opened up a new post only to stare at the blank space. I have so much on my mind right now that I want to talk about and I just haven't been able to.

This sort of just plays into a lot of my worries lately. I came across a page on Facebook through a friend of a friend for a young man that died a few months ago. His baby girl was 2 weeks old when he died. And just seeing some of the posts from the people who lost him really got to me.

Life could end in a second. You can lose the people you love without rhyme or reason, and it scares the hell out of me. There's someone in particular in my life that I desperately want to be closer with and it just seems so impossible... but I'm afraid something is going to happen before I get a chance to make things right with him.

I guess it ties into being afraid that I lost any chance I did have of reconnecting with this person through my own mistakes.

I've always felt that life is too short, don't waste your time being unhappy. Seize happiness wherever you can find it, and don't let go. Today was just a hard day for me emotionally, the last few weeks have been that way really. I think it just hit me hard, seeing that group and having it strike so closely to what I have going on.

I don't even know if this makes any sense. I need to go to bed.

I have absolutely no desire to be awake right now. But my allergies or head cold or whatever I have going on won't let me sleep. I'm praying that it isn't an ear infection, but that's becoming more and more likely. All I can do is take some Advil and hope for the best right now.

The last few weeks have certainly been filled with ups and downs. But things have gotten better, I'm moving in a direction that I think will be good for me. The last two-ish weeks particularly, I've had a lot of time to think and gain perspective on life.

I had 14 hours of thinking time when I randomly decided to go to North Carolina and visit my best friend two weeks ago. I was headed to work on Monday morning and thinking about all of the stress and unnecessary drama in my life. Why make things more complicated than they have to be? That tends to happen to me a lot if I'm not careful. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted a couple of days away from everyone and everything in PA. Given that I didn't have to work again until Thursday night, it seemed like a great idea to take off for a couple of days and go visit my best friend who I've not spent nearly enough time with.

I've also said many times that I was going to go visit her and hadn't. So I went to work, went home, showered and threw some clothes in a bag, and I got on the highway. It only took about 7 hours to do the 450 mile trip. And I truly enjoyed it. The whole experience. Courtney lives right outside of Charlotte, and so while she was at work Tuesday I went and walked around the city and took pictures. The architecture is gorgeous and the city is super pedestrian-friendly. I'm in love with it. Pictures will be posted at the end of this.

So anyway. I've had a lot of time to think and get my brain in order. And ever since last week, I've been walking around with this feeling of contentment. Yeah, there are irritations and problems in life. But I'm happy. I'm getting my degree (in December, HOLY COW!!!!) and working my way towards a "big girl" job. In the meantime, I've got a job that I don't always hate and a pretty awesome place to live and friends and family who love me.

Even though sometimes it is to my detriment, I love my sense of independence. I was talking to my gram yesterday and told her about going to NC, and she told me I had a lot of guts. I was like... why? Haha. Apparently embarking on a solo, spur-of-the-moment road trip 450 miles away and then walking around an unfamiliar city by myself is "gutsy". I'm sure some would say stupid, but I like gutsy better. Haha.

At any rate. I'm genuinely blessed. And like I said, I've got this contentment thing going. For once, my control freak tendencies are nowhere to be found, and I've been able to let go of the things that I can't control. Why worry about things that are out of my hands?

One thing that is in my hands is my own happiness. I'm done letting other people control that. It's my life, I'm going to do things the way I want to do them. And now, I require some coffee and potentially a late breakfast. I'm suddenly struck with the urge to be reasonably productive.

Sweet hanging plant thing. I want one.

Random church that just struck me.

Mosaic mural on the side of a building. Love it.

There are more pictures on Facebook, but these were a few of my favorites.

A whole bunch of random things that you probably didn't know about me.

Can't sleep again. Big surprise there. I figured instead of laying in bed, tossing and turning uselessly and thinking about things that I can't change, I'd use this opportunity to blog and play with Photoshop, as that is my new obsession. Not that I'm very good at it. Who cares? Its fun.

So here are a bunch of random facts that people may or may not know about me, since the rest of the crap floating around in my head right now is not blog material.

1. I am absolutely addicted to Aerie underwear. I probably have 100+ pairs, and I love every one of them.

 2. The downside to number 1 is that I only wear VS bras, so my underwear and bra will never, ever match.

3. I refuse to watch One Tree Hill after season six is over. Why? Because Hilarie Burton left the show and I can no longer stare in envy of her gorgeous hair.

4. I am not as much of a hardass as I pretend to be. Few people know when they genuinely hurt me, and I prefer it that way. That said, if you do hurt me? Look the f*ck out, because I do not take kindly to having my heart broken (or dented, or scratched, for that matter).

5. On that topic, my heart is currently being seriously abused by the one person I never thought would be able to do that to me.

6. I cannot eat ramen noodles if they have been cooked in the microwave. There is just something about microwaving ramen that seriously freaks me out. Stovetop only, please!

7. Random part of my body that I hate? My feet.

8. Random part of my body that I love? My eyes. =]

9. If I could go back in history to any time, just for a few days, I would definitely hit the late 5th century and check out King Arthur and pals. Yeah, I know his historical existence is widely debated and all, but I'm just going to go with it.

10. Now I feel the need to reread Mists of Avalon. For like, the 200th time. I'm only on my third or fourth copy.

11. As we speak, I am experiencing serious Hilarie Burton hair envy.

12. There are not many things that make me shriek like a girl. Bugs, small reptiles, and people jumping out of dark corners are three things that will get me every time. But not mice. I lived on a farm, mmkay? Mice are no biggie.

13. I love, love, love cherry tomatoes. Or fresh-from-the-garden tomatoes in general. But cherries are always a good bet.

14. The single most influential person in my life is my grandmother. She has been the one constant in my life from the day I was born.

15. Currently, my average amount of sleep per night is right around three hours. This from the girl who used to easily get 10 hours a night. Needless to say, Kristin is not a happy girl right now.

16. The last time I went on vacation, I was sixteen. I will turn 25 this year. Is anyone else depressed by the lack of beach in my life?

17. My best friend lives in North Carolina, close enough to the beach for a day trip. I just never seem to have the time off of work/school and the money to go at the same time. It's either one or the other.

18. I'm really, really, REALLY hoping that will change this year and I'll be able to go visit her for a few days.

19. My favorite movie to watch when I'm having boy troubles is High Fidelity.

20. Now that this particular disc of OTH is over, I'm going to switch to High Fidelity.

21. I am not a morning person. I never have been, and I never will be. Given the choice between getting up early and doing laundry and cleaning and working out and whatever else I need to do that day and doing all of those things between the hours of midnight and 4am, I would choose option 2. Unfortunately, life is not conducive to my nocturnal ways.

22. That being said, the current trend of not sleeping has given me a greater appreciation for the hours between 7 and 10am.

23. Don't get excited though. As soon as I can figure out why I'm not sleeping (most likely STRESS) and fix it, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.

24. Did you know that the term DEFCON 5 is actually the lowest level of defense readiness on the scale of 1 to 5? Movies just use that term because it sounds better.

25. You're going to say that's cheating, because it isn't really a random fact about me. It does, however, demonstrate my love for and addiction to Google. I will look up pretty much anything on Google, be it one of life's pressing questions or something ridiculous and random that I wonder about in my downtime. See above.

26. My family is really important to me. Because they're my family and we love each other, but also because I feel incredibly blessed to have been given a second chance at a family.

27. Isabella and Jake, my youngest siblings (3 and a half and seven months, respectively) are the lights of my life. No matter what is going on, or how bad things are, they will always, always make me feel better.

28. Regardless, I don't want any kids of my own. I've pretty much always felt that way about it, although in recent years I've moved my stance from "Never" to "Maybe someday". I'm moving back to "Never".

29. I also don't really want any pets, probably for a few of the same reasons I don't want kids. Added responsibility, etc.

30. I hate jelly beans. EXCEPT for Jelly Belly jelly beans. Those are one of my addictions in life. Except for the gross ones that taste like black licorice, cotton candy, and bubblegum. And tutti-fruitti. WTF is that??

31. My other addictions in life are music, the Food Network, chocolate, caffeine, Starbucks, and lip balm. There are probably others, but cut me a break here. 4-ish hours of sleep last night, remember?

32. I have 4 tattoos: a pegasus on my back, shamrocks on my ribcage, a Celtic trinity heart on my hip, and a swirly star thing (yes, that is the technical term) on my ankle.

33. I love each and every one of them, and have plans for one to two more.

34. Of all my piercings, my nose is my favorite. I refuse to put anything but a tiny, tasteful diamond stud in it. In passing, most people probably don't even notice it.

35. What I want most in the entire world, right this second, is a big mug of black coffee. Preferably one I do not have to brew myself. Given the fact that I am the only person up right now, I'm either going to have to make my own coffee or go somewhere that requires me to brush my hair and put on real clothes.

36. What I want more than anything in the entire world overall? To be a novelist. A successful one. "Successful" meaning that I've had multiple novels published and at least one of them has made the New York Times Best-Seller List.

37. That would be great, if I could finish anything. But I have yet to actually finish a story. I can't even count how many half-written plots I have saved on my computer. I get so into it, and then I just... stop. I don't know how to explain it.

38. I love going for a run. Once I'm actually outside, with my earbuds in and the sun shining on me, I'm good to go. It's getting to that point that becomes difficult. I will find a million excuses not to go.

39. Right now, I feel like John Cusack in High Fidelity. For reasons that I can't really explain.

40. I am pretty much counting the days until NHL hockey starts up again. Of course, I love the Pittsburgh Penguins. They are MY team. However, I love all professional hockey (except for the Capitals and the Flyers, for obvious reasons) and can't wait to sit and watch games again. It is one of my favorite pastimes, right up there with reading, writing, and doing some random crafty stuff.

So there's 40 random things that you didn't know about me. Now, I have to go do some random errands, get coffee, and probably do "some random crafty stuff" because that's just the kind of mood I'm in.

41. Here's one more to make up for number 24, since it's not technically about me. I have an aversion to food that comes in a can. Generally. Soup, vegetables, meat, beer... I prefer versions of these items that are not housed in a can.

Memories.

I've been struck, the last couple of days, by things that trigger a lot of memories for me, of times before.

Weird things. And it isn't always memories in the sense that I can remember particular scenes. Sometimes its just a particular thing that reminds me of how life used to be. Like the other day. I was out for a run near my house and I passed a farm. The barn doors were open (not that it would have mattered if they were closed) and I could smell that familiar scent. Hay and animals and nature and yes, crap (because it happens haha). But the whole thing was comforting, in a sense, and made me think of my life before. When I lived with my mom and  I was young and we spent a lot of time with the horses. That was a good time. I can still remember it vividly, and if I'm inclined, I can still drive past both of the barns that we kept our horses at.

It has been a long time since I've thought about this. Particularly my mom's horses. She had two, Robin the mother, and Fancy the baby. We were forced to get rid of both, but I can see them both in my mind like it was yesterday.

I was struck again today by the scent of grease and car parts. I went into Pep Boys for something stupid and took a deep breath and couldn't help but relive my childhood again. I grew up around those smells. Being in my grandparents/uncle's shop, being in my parents' shop. It was what I knew. And I remember it. The smell is the most vivid. And even though things were bad with my mom, I remember mostly the good times. The scent memory is a pleasant one, not a bitter one. So at least I have that.

It happened again just now. Andy and I were watching random stand up comedians on Youtube, and we wound up on Dennis Leary. It made me think of someone I used to spend a lot of time with, because he's the one who first introduced me to Dennis Leary's stand up. We used to quote it back and forth "Big N, little y, BIG F*CKING Q!!!" That was our thing. He was someone I once would have considered one of my best friends. We were inseparable at one point. God, the fun we had. Just sitting around talking, or having a few drinks and shooting pool. I was always terrible at pool, not that I've gotten any better. But we had fun and that was what mattered. We spent so much time together, I practically lived with him and the rest of the guys. And it was one of the most fun times I can recall over the course of my life.

This particular friend and I are no longer on speaking terms, as of today. I won't go into why, as that's between him and I. But it's hard. It hurts, I won't lie. I miss hanging out with him and having fun the way we used to. And it makes me genuinely sad that we can't be friends anymore.

I don't know what else to say, except maybe that this is my tribute to the memories and people who can no longer be a part of my life. And that I need to go and focus on moving forward now, not backwards.

I've been sadly lacking in the blog department lately.

In some respects, this month feels like it has gone on forever. In others, it feels like it has absolutely flown by.

I've honestly been struggling a lot lately. I need to make some changes in my life, that's for sure. It would appear that my internship has done it's job (I'm finished with my hours at the end of this week) and shown me that I do not, in fact, want to be in restaurant management. At least not at this time. It just isn't for me. And honestly, I feel like the stress and pressure and expectations that are put on me by both myself and my boss are unrealistic for my position and and unhealthy.

I don't cry. Ever. But I almost did last night. Because of my job, because I feel pressured and stressed and I hate making mistakes and being reprimanded. Not that anyone enjoys being reprimanded, but I tend to take it way harder than most. I don't think I should have to cry over my job, or lay awake at night and worry. It's starting to seriously affect me. My heartburn is back full force. I toss and turn when I sleep. I'm in a bad mood more often than not, and it's starting to affect my relationship with Andy.

All of these signs point to one thing: time for a change.

So that's what I'm going to do. I've got to work it out in my head and figure out where to go from here, but look for some serious change coming soon, in both the job and home areas.

Countdown to the semester's end...

I should be doing homework. Which seems to be when I blog most frequently. However, I do have an excuse this time. The Angel website for Penn State is experiencing "technical difficulties" which means that I can't even access any of the homework I need to do, because my professor posts it all on there. Yes, I am currently panicking over all of this. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it. So I blog instead, and hope that my professor is feeling cheerful enough to give me an extension.

Wow. So I go to all the trouble to email him asking for an extension, and he emails me back and says no, because I've already met the course requirements. This, of course, puzzled me. I know I have not written a paper for my Leadership class yet. As I am pondering this, preparing to write a response that politely tells my professor he doesn't know what he's talking about, I find out from Amanda that the Leadership paper isn't due until Friday. My professor thought I was asking for the paper due today in my other class with him, which I've already done 2 papers for and thus, met the course requirements. I feel really stupid right now, but I'm going to go ahead and blame it on the overworked/overtired/burning the candle at both ends thing I have going right now. Hell, at this point, I'm starting to feel like I'm melting the middle too.

But at least I don't have to freak about my paper and the fact that the Angel website was down, completely negating the fact that I've been up for almost 3 hours now. I also have coffee, which should never be taken for granted.

So. Life as it is right now. I work a lot. 40-ish hours a week at Primanti's and every other weekend at the Elks club bartending. It's easy, the bartending I mean. Very simple, no complicated mixed drinks, no draft beers. Only like five kinds of beer period. Easy pricing system, and cash only. It's very laid back, the people seem cool so far, and I really can't complain about it.

I also go to school (at least until the end of this week, and then HALLELUJAH it's over until September). Which sucks, and as illustrated by the above story, isn't going all that well. I apparently can't even keep my due dates straight any more. All I can say is, I don't know how I got through this semester. I know that my grades aren't stellar. Pretty much all B's this semester, which I'm not exactly proud of. Last semester, I made the dean's list. But in addition to this one being more challenging due to classes, I think I toed the line of overextending myself.

I may weep in sheer relief at 4pm on Friday. Yeah, I have one final next week. It is, quite honestly, the least of my worries. I have one paper and 1-2 rewrites I still need to do, in addition to the other crappy homework assignments for the rest of my classes this week. But then I'm done and my life can become infinitely simpler and involve more time to myself.

The biggest bright spot in my life right now is, of course, Andy. I could never have hoped for a better relationship. I'm not going to be delusional and say that we'll never fight, or that things will never be hard. That would be too much to expect, and definitely unrealistic. But I think our similar personalities will make things easier to deal with because we understand each other so well.

For example, when I got done training at the Elks on Saturday night, I was exhausted. I was exhausted and starving and pissy because of it. Not to mention, Andy is on midnights right now, so I barely get to see him. Overall, I was just in a flat-out bad mood. But I stopped in Center to see him while he was on duty for a few minutes when I was on the way home, because I pass through there anyway, and mostly because I really just needed something to make me smile. He just kind of let me be in a bad mood, talked to me, gave me a kiss, and sent me home to go to bed.

He's the only person who has ever known how to deal with me when I get that way. I don't do that as frequently as I used to, but it still happens, and there really isn't anything anyone can do to make me happy or placate me. I just need to go to sleep and basically reset myself, for lack of a better term. I don't know if he gets the same way, or if he just knows me that well. Either way, I'm incredibly thankful he knows what to do. In the past, if I was around a significant other in that frame of mind, it usually resulted in a fight.

I guess overall, I'm just really feeling like I'm finally where I need to be in that department. If I can get the rest of my life together, I'll be set. Well, I'm off to do some homework now that Angel is back up. Then I'm off to school. Pens playoff game later, and it's a big one! Lets Go Pens!!!!

Blahhhh. Monday. It's not looking like a good day for my night class, just in case you were wondering. I stopped home after lunch with Jason to throw some laundry in and whatnot, and now I'm on a roll with getting stuff done here and don't want to make the trip back to school. Plus, I just hate it.

In other news, I have a lot on my mind. Not that that in itself is news, I always have a lot on my mind. Which I'm sure is part of why I've had several migraines lately. But, that's just the story of my life, I suppose. School, surprisingly, is not the root of all my stress. At this point, it's just a minor nuisance. I'm tired of it. I'm finding it very difficult to even care whether or not I go. I still do all my assignments and such, and I do the best I can on them. But honestly, I'm tired of having the drain on my time and energy. May cannot come fast enough for me. Senioritis, anyone?

No, mostly my stress concerns "WTF am I going to do with the rest of my life?". My internship isn't exactly disappointing, but I have come to conclude that I do not want to spend the rest of my life in restaurant management. Which, I suppose, was the point of the whole exercise, wasn't it? To figure out if I could handle doing this forever. And I can't.

Honestly, for spending as much as I am on a Penn State degree, I feel like I'm selling myself short. I'm looking at a job that has no 401k or anything, no benefits as far as I know, and the furthest I can get myself within the company is more than likely General Manager of a particular location. And that's IF I'm really lucky and work really really hard. I don't know how much GM's make, or AGM's (assistant) either, but I have a feeling it's not all that great. Don't get me wrong, I love the company, I love most of the people I work with and I definitely respect the company overall as far as how it's run, etc, but I just don't think it's going to take me where I want to go.

Unless they want to say, send me south to manage one of the beach locations.

Anyway. I'll be done with my internship over the summer and I can spend the Fall semester looking for other opportunities I suppose. Which still leads me back to "WTF do I want to do with the rest of my life?". And I guess it requires a lot more than I thought it would now. I used to think that I would love a job with a lot of traveling, or even a permanent or semi-permanent relocation. Of course that train of thought was rooted in my early teens, when I was not in a good place family-wise. Leaving seemed like a really good idea. Getting the hell out of Western PA and leaving behind all the crappy memories and basically giving the finger to all the people in my life who didn't care the way they should have.

Now the thought of leaving for any longer than a week or two on vacation is more than I can bear. I was lucky enough to be given a family that does love and appreciate me. I'd miss them too much. And now with Izzy and Jake, I can't bear the thought of not getting to see them grow up, or at least not being able to see them nearly as often as I do now (which is still only once a week if I'm lucky, I wish it was more!). What if I had to move away and spend months/years at a time away? It would break my heart to come home and have either one of them not recognize me.

So apparently its Western PA for me. Which is honestly okay at this point. I don't feel like I need to get out of here and do fantastic, newsworthy things to be happy. Give me a job I enjoy (or at least can tolerate) with a decent pay and benefits, an apartment/townhouse (because I'm so not into home repairs or lawn care), and some free time to work on my writing, and I'm good to go. And probably a cat. Or maybe a small dog, like a Pekingese.

Or, God help me, in the event that I hitch myself to another human being for the rest of my life, I'd still like the job, the time for writing, and a cat/dog, but I'll take a house. With an attached garage for my car to be parked in during inclement weather. That would, of course, depend on the willingness of said human being to do all home repairs and landscaping. If he is unwilling, then we're back to the townhouse.

And maybe, just MAYBE, if the stars align and I feel as though there is not enough stress in my life, the possibility for a kid. Just one. And the jury is still out on that, for sure.

Most of that would depend on me getting past A) My phobia for doctors/hospitals/etc. and B) The fact that pregnancy and everything that it entails COMPLETELY grosses me out. To the point where other people talking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.

So apparently that's what I want out of life.

I feel like things keep shifting though. Like with the job thing. I sort of thought I had that figured out. Okay, part of it is about the financials involved, but honestly, I just don't think I'd be happy doing that forever. There's not really a challenge. Not much to work towards, goal-wise. And I feel like it would be a complete shame not to put my writing skills (which are pretty great, I've got to say... modest, I know) to good use. I love writing, and that is one job where there is pretty much none of that to be done. And if there is, it's minimal. Mostly, I don't feel like it challenges my brain. For the most part, as someone already warned me, it's basically babysitting.

Anyway, back to the shifting stuff. The job view has shifted severely in the last couple of weeks. My time line for a lot of things has shifted. I'm considering maybe getting my MBA right away, or getting a degree in something else. As much as I say I'm over school, if I can't do something with what I've got, I need to find something else or find another field.

And there's this other thing. Potential change in living arrangements. It wouldn't be for awhile yet, I don't really have a time frame on it. But it would be a positive shift for me, I think. Very. There's more to it than just a change of address, so it's something that needs to be thought about pretty seriously before I do anything though. But, as I said, it's not something that needs to be worried about right this second. I've got time. Although yes, this is part of the "a lot on my mind" that was at the beginning of this.

I do, however, have to go do homework and whatnot. So I'm going to put this very long (and probably boring) post to rest.

Toast.

I really need to go take a shower and get ready to go out with Andy. But I feel like I need to write this really quickly first.

I was having a conversation with someone at work the other day about the bread that we use, and how we both really like it and could easily eat an entire loaf of it and it brought up a really good memory of my Grandma Ann.

In recent years, I haven't had a good relationship with that side of my family. She was my mom's mom, and I haven't had much contact with anyone from that side in like 6, almost 7 years. She died over the summer and it was hard for me to deal with. She'd been sick for awhile, and no one saw fit to tell me that she was hospitalized for over a month. They only called me (not even me, they called my sister and she had to text me and tell me while I was at work) when they thought she was going to die. Like literally, thought she had hours left.

I freaked, of course. Started crying in the middle of the kitchen, had to leave work and go fall apart at my friend Jess's house for a few minutes. I went to see her, and she looked almost unrecognizable to me. It was really hard, but I'm glad I got to see her before she died. She didn't die that day though. Apparently a week or so later they sent her home, essentially because there was nothing else they could do. And when she died, my aunt TEXT MESSAGED my sister to tell her. Again, I had to find out from Jess.

Back to the good memory though. I used to get off the school bus at the auto repair garage that she and my uncle ran together. I'd sit with her for the rest of the afternoon and eat toast. I could eat an entire loaf of French bread in an afternoon. Her toaster made the best toast ever. We used to just sit and talk and watch TV and eat toast in the office together.

I don't know why, but its one of my favorite memories of Grandma Ann. I think because we didn't spend a lot of time one-on-one, so that was special to me. And it was when things were still good with that side of the family. Before my mother got out of control and everyone turned a blind eye to the fact that she was ruining her life and taking her children down with her.

I miss that. I miss when things were good, and I had my Grandma Ann. We would eat toast. And she'd let me play in her "jewelry room" (the spare bedroom where she kept massive amounts of jewelry). And show me the catalogs of flower bulbs she was going to order.

This is kind of what her toaster looked like.

Grandma Ann and a tiny me, standing outside the auto repair shop.

Update from a busy, busy Tex.

I feel like its been forever. I'm neglecting the blog, and writing in general, truth be told. Shame on me. But I've been crazy preoccupied lately.

For starters, I'm working on my internship at work. Since I'm still serving as well, I'm up to 5 days a week at Primanti's and 3 days of school. All of this equals no days off for Kristin for the foreseeable future. Granted, I have a couple days a week that don't suck, they're my short days at work or school. But still. I really can't complain much though, if I'm not at work or school, I have this tendency to be lazy and sit on my ass and do nothing. So being productive is good.

I've also started reading a new series of books that my friend Amanda from school lent me. I'm totally hooked, like if I sit down and start on one of the books, I tend to finish it. That's pretty much what I did every night that Andy was on midnights. And I'm excited because I feel like its been awhile since I've gotten really hooked on a particular book or author. I'm waiting on a couple of books to come out in paperback (I absolutely hate hardback books, I'm not sure why) and I'm waiting for Kay Hooper to write a new one, so I've been kind of eh on reading much lately. But I'm really enjoying these, and I still have 4 more books in the series that are out.

So yeah. That's been the last week of my life basically. I can tell that the extra hours are affecting me. I've been fighting not to pass out before midnight most of the time, which is completely unlike me. But again, its more hours, and more money, so I can't complain. Plus, I'm enjoying learning something new. Today, I got to help two of the kitchen guys make coleslaw. I won't say it was fun, but it wasn't not-fun. I was entertained, and that's just one more part of the business that I'm knowledgeable in. Like I said, I'm enjoying learning something new, having new responsibilities. I feel like I've got more of a stake in the company or whatever. I don't know, maybe I'm just exhausted and losing my mind.

Another milestone: Took Andy to my parents' house for dinner on Sunday. It was sort of accidental, I didn't even know there was family dinner on Sunday. Jess had asked me about it like a week ago, but she never got back to me and I was supposed to work until 8 anyway. Well just for kicks when I got done early at like 5, I called my dad to chat. I like to do that from time to time, especially if I don't have a chance to see him for more than a week. So we're talking, and he's like "Are you coming over?". I stopped for a second and then said "I didn't know I was supposed to?" and he told me about dinner and everything.

So I called Andy to see if he cared if we scrapped his plan for the evening and went to dinner instead. I was really hoping he'd go with me, I was pretty excited at the prospect of getting a couple hours with him before he went to work for the night. Of course he said yes he'd go, and no he didn't mind the change of plans. I don't think that there's much he would actually deny me (within reason, of course). There's a lot that I wouldn't ask of him though, I'm one of those people who freak about making extra work for someone else or asking them to go out of their way for me. But anyway, we went to dinner and it was a lot of fun. I get very anxious when I bring the guy I'm dating home to dinner. Its just always been an issue for me. My family is very important to me, definitely something I don't take for granted. When you're without a family for part of your childhood (or just have a really sucky one-- both would describe my situation) and then you acquire one, I think it's a little different. But bringing someone around my family is, in my mind, like waving a big "YOU REALLY MATTER TO ME" flag at them. The boyfriend, that is. So yes, I'm saying Andy really matters. Which he is clearly aware of, because duh. We're together and everything.

At any rate, we had fun. He already met most of my family and is good friends with Mandy and Brian, so I wasn't worried about him, and I wasn't as anxious as I have been in the past. And just as I suspected, Izzy took to him right away. They're buddies now, haha. It was really cute though. She wasn't too happy when we had to leave, and demanded a hug and a kiss from him. Plus, Jake has a new trick. He blows raspberries. It's adorable, even when he leaves a giant drool spot on my sleeve. He also has teeth, and I discovered firsthand that they're really sharp!

Sunday was a really good day. Any time that I get to see my family, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have them, and it just gives me this feeling of peace and contentment. I have a lot of people in my life who love me and care about me. Can't ask for much more than that.

Except maybe someone to do my laundry.

It can't rain all the time.

Its been a rough couple of days. I've been in an absolutely foul mood lately, given the stress I've got going and my frustration with the people in my life.

I'm getting really tired of feeling like I can't trust the people who are supposed to be my friends. I'm no longer sure of who I can speak freely with. At work, it's like people constantly need to talk shit and try to start drama between friends or enemies. And in the rest of my life, I just can't be sure where loyalties lie anymore. I have my suspicions regarding certain situations, but nothing I can prove.

At the end of the day though, does proof even matter? If I have doubts or feelings of unease when I'm talking to a "friend" about whether or not they're going to betray me, isn't that enough? Even if it isn't true, if it can be proved that they've not done what I thought they have, the fact that I had to question still means something. At least to me. I don't think you should ever have to doubt a true friend. In fact, I just sent a text to my Courtney, one of the few friends I have never felt the need to doubt in this department.

This is taking me forever, because Chopped All Stars is on, and its the episode I missed from this past Sunday. With all of my favorite chefs competing. =] And I want some sushi. Not the raw kind, which I know makes me an amateur, but I just can't put raw fish in my mouth.

Anyway, I'm frustrated with the fact that I really don't feel like I can trust a lot of the people in my life. But, in the interest of not being hypocritical, I have to say that there was a time fairly recently when I sort of betrayed a friend. One friend was completely dicking over another friend, and it was really upsetting to me. Not only was this person being dicked over, they were also being hurt. I did what I felt I had to for my own conscience in sharing a piece of information, and things have worked out the best for both parties because of it.

But it can be called betrayal. I'll give you that. However, I also feel the need to say that I acted based on my own conscience. It wasn't to hurt anyone or to piss anyone off or for my own agenda. It was because I didn't want to see one person continue to treat another unfairly.

Moving on. This afternoon, my frustration peaked. I was getting ready to leave the house, and I had just finished a conversation with Sarah, and it didn't help at all. I sat down on my bed and dammit, I started tearing up. I wouldn't call it crying, because I didn't. But I'd be lying if I said a few angry, frustrated tears didn't manage to fall.

Which, of course, disgusted me, since I pretty much never cry. It just seems silly to me, to sit and cry. Then you get all stuffed up and can't breathe, your face gets red, your eyes get puffy, and it gives me a headache. I wind up just as miserable as I was before. Not worth it.

So I grabbed my purse and headed out for the day. I went to my gram's early in the evening and that helped. Gram always helps. She makes me coffee (and somehow, her coffee ALWAYS tastes better than any coffee I've ever had) and feeds me (and any food she makes ALWAYS tastes better than whatever I make, no matter if I do it exactly like she does or not) and listens to me endlessly. She offers advice or commiserates as needed, and basically just makes me feel so much better about life.

After that, my day improved even more, because I got to see my Andy for a few minutes. He was working, so I only got about 5 minutes, but they were the best 5 minutes of my day, hands down. He made me smile, as always. And I got to hug him and smell him and give him a kiss. Plus, he looks hot in that uniform. =] I went to the gym after that, two days in a row. I'm proud of myself for that, plus, I really needed to burn out my anger a little.

I like the gym at Penn State Beaver. There's a flat screen TV, so I can watch Food Network while I run. Inspiration? Maybe. Entertainment? Definitely! So I'm hoping I have the drive to continue working out on a more regular basis. Swimsuit season is almost here, and let's just say I won't be busting out the VS zebra bikini as it stands.

Well, I'm off. Things to do, Andys to see. =]

"I didn't need coffee this morning-- I woke up the right way."

Quote from me to Amanda at lunch just now, since I skipped breakfast. But that whole getting out of bed thing was kind of tough.

Been a few days again. I've been a busy girl this past week. Even though it was Spring Break, I picked up a couple extra shifts at work and basically spent the rest of the week with Andy. No complaints there of course. I start my training for work on Saturday instead of Tuesday now due to unforeseen issues, but I'm not worried about it. It may actually work out better that way, given my schedule this week.

My stress level is pretty much on a constant incline these days. Between school (which A- I HATE and B- Is particularly challenging this semester) and work (nerves about the new stuff, $$, etc.) and other random things that have been popping up lately, I'm going to be ready to rip my hair out soon. But hopefully I can sort myself and all of this crap out soon.

I think once I get moving with the internship and training for work, I'll feel better. And once the semester starts winding down (this week is the halfway point!!!) I can breathe a little easier, work more, and hopefully enjoy my last summer off.

There is a lot of positive stuff from this week though. I got to see my family last weekend and spend some time with them. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Andy this week, and that's been awesome. Things in that department are amazing, probably beyond words. And I had the best weekend ever, courtesy of the previously mentioned boy. =]

He's pretty much the only reason I haven't run screaming from Beaver County in its entirety over the last couple of weeks.

Plus, we're cute.

So yeah. Class now, for two straight hours. Then two hours off, then 2.5 more hours of class. Hopefully my night can improve after that.

Tex is a happy girl today.

I'm so antsy today. And my attention span sucks. Not that its ever great to start with, but its worse than usual today. I want to write, but I need to clean, but I want to go get a pedicure too. And there's laundry to do (because isn't there ALWAYS?)  and other random things that I really ought to get caught up on.

But I felt the need to post first, because there's been a few days between posts, and things have gotten interesting. Sort of.

I took the plunge and told Candi I want to start my internship in the next couple of weeks. And that I'm interested in taking the empty manager slot since Kevin left. I start Tuesday the 15th for training. I'm excited and nervous and praying that I'm making the right decision here. But I'm tired of my income depending on the generosity of others. It pisses me off. So I'm going to give this a try. Mostly I'm excited about it, it's a change, a step in the right direction. Lately, I've been really depressed over my job. I'm over serving. Its been 4 years, and I'm just over it.

So I'll try to keep updates coming on that situation. I managed at my other restaurant job before though, and I enjoyed that. This is a step beyond that though. At TRH, it was "coordinating", which meant that I was on the floor, interacting with the customers and doing day-to-day stuff, comps and seating and helping out wherever was needed (behind the bar, expo, etc.) but not much more than that. This is like actual managing. Eventually probably closing by myself, taking care of paperwork, that kind of thing. Jumping on the line if needed (which makes me nervous, I've never cooked before, at least not in that setting), behind the bar, all kinds of stuff.

If nothing else, it's an opportunity not going to waste. If I hate it, by December I'll have a degree and can go do something else if I choose.

Well, at least I threw some laundry in. I feel marginally more productive. And, in about 15 minutes, I managed to submit my FAFSA form. FOR THE LAST TIME EVER. I am so effing excited about that. Although it was considerably easier than usual, given the new option to import your tax info from the IRS automatically. So that was actually pretty painless this time. Which is funny, because it is the last time I'll have to do it (unless I go for grad school *shudder*) and it was the easiest. And my stepmom and I were just discussing how much we hated filling those things out.

Whatever. I feel really productive now, haha. And in like a week, I'll be scheduling my LAST semester of undergrad. Epic. I feel like I've been waiting forever for this to come. Oh that's right, because I have. But it's finally happening. And you know why? Because I refused to let the circumstances of my life turn me into a college dropout. I refused to be stuck at some dead-end job because I couldn't finish my degree. I fought damn hard to get where I am right now, and hell yes I'm proud of it.

So suck on that, doubters. Pause for more coffee.

Anyway. I'm in a really awesome mood today. Snow, aside, of course. But I have good music and hot coffee to keep me company while I get some things done and hopefully start hammering out this plot that's been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks now. I figure I have some solid time to work on it this week, given the fact that it is Spring Break. So go me and all of that. And there is a light at the end of the Penn State tunnel, and I get to take on a new opportunity at work (and work towards the light at the end of the school tunnel, haha) and I'm just feeling really good about life.

And of course, there's Andy. =] This "whatever it is that he and I have going on here" is going really well. He makes me smile and he makes me laugh. All the time. So I can't complain.

That's enough about that for now. Wouldn't want to get too sappy. Away we go to write and drink too much coffee. I think sleeping tonight could be a serious issue, but eh, life goes on.

Food for thought. Depressing food. Like brussel sprouts.

This will be quick. But I'm wicked stressed out right now. School is killing me. I'm over it. There are home repair issues currently, which I can't really contribute to, because I've been at school all damn day and there's nothing for me to do to help out.

In addition to this, I feel guilty because I can't help. I feel guilty because it's not really my house and shouldn't be my responsibility, but I have this need to help people when I can and I really can't.I'm struggling with the fact that at the end of the day, it isn't my responsibility. My name isn't on the house or anything. My only responsibilities are the day-to-day random stuff and rent.

And on top of this, my past keeps popping up and sticking its tongue out at me. Irritating, at the least. Mostly, just food for thought though.

One of my Facebook friends posted a question on my wall today. Admittedly, he doesn't know me very well, so I can't blame him for the question. Not that I would anyway, it's a mostly harmless thing that I'm pretty much over. But he posted and asked me about my dad. My biological one, not my real one. I make this distinction because my real dad is George, the man who has always been there when I need him and always will. I am, in every way but DNA, his daughter. He calls me that, he treats me like that, and I've never really felt otherwise.

My biological dad, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with me. I know where he lives, I know where he works. He could easily find me if he wanted to. But he doesn't. He has other kids, two of them, who he cares for and loves. Not me. Now, keep in mind, this is not designed to be a pity party. Most of the time, I really don't think about it or care. I get a moment now and then where it bothers me, because I live in an area now where I pass my half brother's truck on the road fairly often. And yet, if he were standing in front of me, he wouldn't know who I am.

In any case, I haven't had any real contact with him since I was like 8. I don't even know why. Its a weird situation, one that creeps me out because I don't know anything about it. But that's just how it is.

Which brings me to the food for thought thing. How do you have a child, a living, breathing human being who shares you DNA and want absolutely nothing to do with them? How can you live literally minutes from them and not care? Not even wonder? Can you be that wrapped up in your own life that they don't matter? And in this case, how do you have three kids and decide that only two of them matter? Now, its not just me. He has no contact with his mother, my grandmother, either. So maybe its more than I realize. I know he's got mental issues, which I'm sure plays into it.

At any rate, that's what I'm pondering right now. Now, I've got to say, don't think that I feel like I lack in the father department. Given what I said earlier, George is my dad. He's always been there, so I don't think I'm missing anything by having no contact with my biological father. Its just something that I ponder now and then when it gets brought up to me, as it was today.

Well. I'm off, I need to finish getting ready. Andy's picking me up for "Kidnapping: Part 2". Which is a lot more fun than it sounds. Maybe another post later or tomorrow, depending on how well this evening's de-stressing goes.

"Oh I'm calculating, yes I'm sick of waiting..."

I'm in a very Spill Canvas-y mood tonight. Have been all day, really. I'm not sure why. Just one of those days I guess. I am kind of pumped, as dumb as it sounds, I figured out today that I can import my music files from Zune to my Xbox 360 through the wireless. Small, but I was excited.

I need to pause for just a second to express my disgust over the godawful ketchup glaze that people insist on slathering their meatloaf in. I love meatloaf. I hate, hate, HATE ketchup. Except on corndogs and hotdogs. Those are acceptable.

Okay. Expression of disgust, check. We can move on now. The last time I blogged, nearly a week ago, I was really frustrated with things. There was a situation going on that I wasn't too happy with. As far as I know, it has since smoothed out. I'm really hoping that it works itself out, anyway. Because you know I've always got to do things the hard way, haha. But it seems like things are okay.

My brain isn't really here right now. Between being tired and anxious for 7AM to roll around, I'm all over the place. But Andy's going to come over and see me for a little while before I have to go to school. Which is sweet of him, duh, because he's working all night and then coming here instead of going home and to sleep.

Today was a really good day though. I got to go see my family for awhile and spend time with my beebees (Jake and Izzy, duh). Jake puked on me, but I'll forgive him haha. After that I met Andy for an early dinner/WalMart run. =] I'm always glad when I can squeeze in a little time to see him. Then I came home and opted to be productive. Clean sheets, clean clothes, clean (and dust-free!) room. I feel better about my life when I don't come home to a disaster at night.

That goes back to the whole thing where I love being organized and prepared for my day/week, but never manage to be prepared because I'm too lazy and busy. But at least most of it is done now, that way my evenings this week are free for other things. Well, I'll have to finish my laundry tomorrow. Because I'm tired, and its storming, and I am just so not going into the dark, creepy basement at 2 in the morning. That just screams bad horror movie.

I have to say, the last month or so, I've been just kind of bumping along. No big highs or lows I guess. Just doing what I need to do. School, work, sleep. I wasn't unhappy by any means, I just didn't have anything particularly exciting going on.

The last two weeks though, have been totally different. Ever since that door got blown off the hinges (I so enjoy using that metaphor, I'm not entirely sure why) it's been different. By the way, the exploding door was Andy kissing me. Or me kissing him, however you prefer to argue it. I know he'll read this and have something smart to say, he always does. Which is one of the things I enjoy about him. Anyway, since then, things have just been different. Good different, of course. I'm really enjoying whatever it is that he and I have going on here.

Another random thought: I was on my way to Monaca to meet Andy tonight, and I tried to go the back way from home (had to stop home and change out of the shirt that Jake decided to "scuse" on). Somehow, I managed to screw myself up and ended up in Freedom. I was supposed to come out in Rochester by the Sheetz. It could have been worse, I could have ended up somewhere completely ridiculous. But still. I've lived in this area my entire life and I still managed to get lost. Haha.

Well, its time for me to wrap this up. I need to get some sleep, he's coming over in the morning and then I have class from 11 to 8:30. Blah. I'll be happy in 5 hours. I'll be happier in like 40 hours. And dammit, this song is stuck in my head!

Alright, that's it, I've had enough, I'm on my way to you
It's nauseating and I'm sick of waiting
For all these pointless calls to go through

But no, I'm not a skeptic anymore
At last I see what all of this ridiculous hard work is for
The moisture in the air is begging for release
And the memory of your stare is raining down on me

You'd Be In Great Shape If You Ran Like Your Mouth

This is a quick vent-y post. I get really effing tired of everything being so damn difficult. For once, can something just go smoothly?

All I want is to do what is going to be best for me/make me happy. And there's always got to be someone or something that is determined to get in the way. Well as far as I'm concerned, karma/fate/Murphy's Law, whatever the hell you are, PLEASE GO EFF YOURSELF. I'm tired of everything being an uphill battle. I'm tired of the drama and stupidity that seems to surround everything.

Go away. Leave me alone, let me do what I need to do. And for crying out loud, if you're going to throw stones, CHECK YOURSELF. Glass houses, people, glass houses.

That's all. I've got things to do. Then, I'm going to hang out with someone who makes me smile and is currently the only person I know with his head on straight.

I'm feeling vaguely ill. Maybe it was the Laffy Taffy.

Friday night and I'm bumming in my sweat pants. For now anyway. I may go somewhere a little later, but for now I'm content here on the couch with my laptop and the Food Network. Hoping I'm not going to get sick, haha.

I've got a lot on my mind these days. It's nearly internship time, and that's pretty important. A lot of places hire interns on after they're done with their hours, and most places won't hire without experience, so that's valuable in the business world. But what do I want for myself? Six months ago I was sure, but now I don't know.

Is restaurant management really where I want to be? I mean of course every industry is going to have pros and cons, but do I want to put in the long hours and deal with all of the annoyances and difficulties that come along with a restaurant? And do I want to own my own place and have to sweat and worry and put up with the sleepless nights associated with owning your own business, or do I want to manage for someone else and have them breathing down my neck on a daily or weekly basis?

So I really need to figure it out. But then part of me feels like an internship is designed not only for experience in a chosen field, but also as an experiment. Maybe for me, it needs to be more about getting the experience in a restaurant (as my GM has already told me I can do my internship there with her, which would make my life easier) and seeing if it is something I think I can handle.

Of course, nothing is set in stone, I can always switch careers later in life or whatever if I'm unhappy. But I'd rather find my place in the world kind of quickly. I'm over this transitional period of my life, haha. Not much longer though. December can't come fast enough. Not that I'm wishing away my summer, no no no! I can't wait for warmer weather and long, sunny days.

I am so not designed to live in Western PA. I belong where it's perpetually warm and sunny (or at least more often than it is here) and I can drive maybe an hour to get to the ocean.

Wishful thinking. For now, I'll settle for a good ol' PA summer.

I have the strangest thoughts sometimes. Just FYI.

One last little blurb for the evening...

I'm not the most musically talented person. I can't really play an instrument (except maybe sort of the flute-- 4 years in school) and I'm not a great singer (only in the car, by myself or when I'm drunk), but music definitely plays a huge role in my life. It can make or break my mood, it can inspire me, it can take me down memory lane.

There are songs and albums that I have on my Zune that as soon as I hear the first few seconds, I'm taken back to another time in my life. I enjoy that. Lucky Boys Confusion, Lostprophets, and Finch take me wayyy back to sophomore year of high school. Every Avenue takes me back to this time last year. Some of it's good, some of it's bad. I don't know what brought this up right now, except its something that has been on my mind the last few days. Admittedly, since I found the Every Avenue- Picture Perfect album under my car seat. Combine that with all the stuff that's been going on lately, the people who have been coming back out of my past at me, and you've got a seriously broody moment.

At any rate, time to go put decent clothes back on. I just don't think bummy sweatpants and my Northgate Swim hoodie are going to cut it. And no, I don't know anyone who went to Northgate, or was on the swim team. Random acquisition.

Gonna go spend some time with a person who makes me smile. =]